Drink and Be (Relatively) Merry

Cons: It is almost impossible for first-timers to find. Find a Virgil to your Dante, and see if you can convince him to take it easy on the sauce—even if you live in Spanish Fork, The Deerhunter is remote enough to make driving home a potential debacle.

Smith’s in Provo (on a Sunday)

This should be utilized only if you’re desperate for a brew and it happens to be Sunday. If you have the funds, just go to a bar. If you have a car, just drive to Springville. If you’re absolutely bereft of options and need a beer to get through church, then God be with you on your journey to “acquire” beer from the Smith’s. Be wary of secret shoppers, and try to go only when business is relatively dense. The beer aisle is within sight of the self-checkout warden, so don’t try anything too fancy––a tall boy or two, at maximum.

Third South 7-Eleven (for BYU students)

If you are fortunate enough to attend The Lord’s University, then the other 7-Eleven in town is probably closer to your home. The other 7-Eleven is crawling with Cougars, who treat the chagrined staff like Arnold on Happy Days and leave a patina of Slurpee syrup on everyone and everything. You will more than likely get caught red-handed buying Red Stripe by the guy you sit next to in Old Testament Class and be turned in to the Honor Gestapo. Do yourself a favor and head over to the 7-Eleven on third south and Freedom, but be careful: while North Provo looks like a giant J. Crew catalogue come to life, South Provo is crawling with meth heads and hobos. Get your beer and don’t make eye contact with anyone.

A Certain Prominent Convenience Store on a Certain Main Drag (In case you’re not going to make it before 1 AM)

This method is not recommended for everyone. If you know you’re not going to make it to the store in time to get beer, your only hope is to make friends with a certain cashier at a certain convenient store, not to be named here. Once you’ve established a bond with––let’s call him “Sanjay”—call him before you go, and ask him to put your beer behind the counter. Good luck trying to establish that bond, though. Life in “Dry Hump City” has made “Sanjay” believe that most people in town aren’t worth the Slurpees they spill on his floor.

It’s not perfect, to be sure. If you can transfer to U of U, find a different job up in Salt Lake, or even just make your own personal exodus from the Beehive State, then do. The cost of a U-Haul renter will be repaid to you ten-fold in years of stress-free beer swilling. If you are among the hundreds of social curiosities who cannot seem to escape Provo’s cultural zeitgeist, looming like a flock of vultures who despise fun, then hopefully you might find a modicum of respite in any one of these places. The alcohol may not flow as freely as you’d like, but we make do with what we’ve got. If nothing else, your puke might taste a little less minty. Slainte Mhath.

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Comments on this article

Posted on June 24, 2009 by dan

i giggled my ass off. i live in cali, but traverse the wasatch front on a weekly basis. i know what its like to try to find a cold one at midnight on a sunday night in provo.

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