My Saturday with the Mormons
by Mike Brown [mikebrown@slugmag.com]
Issue 239 / November 2008 More from this Issue
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Gosh, I sure as heck am hungover today. See, I spent yesterday with theMormons. It was actually a huge gathering of them, around 64,000, all in oneplace! It wasn’t at general conference, and it wasn’t at a ward road show. All ofthese white people were in Provo for the BYU football game.
It was kind of fun to see so many Mormons in one place, not swearing and drinkingdiet Cokes and saying things like, "Geezeit sure is nice to meetcha." And I got to sitright behind Marie Osmond. I wish I got apicture, but she looks super weird in reallife, I think she was scripted out (on pills)or something.
But the reason I’m so hungover right nowis because any time I have to do anythingremotely Mormon-esque I feel the need tocounteract that activity by getting superfucked up right after. So after spendingthe afternoon with one of the most belovedMormon past times ever, BYU Football,I spent the evening with one of my mostbeloved pastimes: A blatant disregard formy liver.
I got a mass text today inviting me to the firstever Juggalo church service, but I couldn’tgo. Not because I’m not a Juggalo, but fora couple reasons. First, I didn’t get the textuntil a half hour after The Church of theDark Carnival had started, and secondbecause I’m still technically a Latter DaySaint. I’m just really, really bad at it.
I haven’t removed my records from thechurch because I have way too much funyelling at missionaries when they come overand try to get me back in the ten percentclub. Kind of like how my dad doesn’task to be removed from telemarketer calllists so he can scream at people over thephone – it’s a good outlet for him.
I keep telling the missionaries that if theycan just tell me where dinosaurs comefrom, I’ll consider ruining my Sunday bydoing something incredibly boring forthree hours on a consistent basis. Butso far no one can. I’ll leave that offer outfor any religious organization: explain howevolution is not possible to me in a logicalfashion and I’m game. That even goes for the Juggalos.
Hey, I just thought of something, the Juggalos should get their own missionaries.That would be super entertaining if dudes with painted faces went around doorto-door preaching about the Great Milenko and clown hell and whatnot!
My Saturday withthe MormonsAnyway, when I do go to church these days it’s usually to support my Mormonfamily in one way or another. See, I was raised Mormon and I have the stereotypicalbig Mormon family and we had the giant Suburban when I was a kid and the wholenine.
Illustration by Snuggles
Now that I’m older, my sisters are all married and have turned themselves intobaby-spewing vending machines. They arespitting live fetuses out faster than machinegun bullets. And every time a new babyenters the world, they gotta bless it and I’mobligated to go to church for these events.
As my nieces get older and learn how to walkand talk and recognize who I am, I suddenlybecome "Weird Uncle Mike." They ask mequestions about my tattoos like, "Why didyou draw on your arms?" When they get alittle older, like around six or seven, they saystuff to me like, "Long hair is for girls andtattoos are bad, Uncle Mike."
So the last time that one of my nephewsinformed me that tattoos were bad I askedhim where he learned that, but his fragilechild mind couldn’t answer the question. Ithen told him that Jesus had tattoos, so theycan’t be bad, right? He agreed with this andthen I asked my sister the same question,"So where’d your little guy learn that tattoosare for bad people?"
I then told my sister that my body was atemple too. It just has some art on the walls.Then I told her kids that Jesus had tattoos.When she asked me why I told her kids thatJesus had some sweet ink, I asked her howdo we know he didn’t? We all know Jesuswas a hippie. He could have had a Kokopellitribal on him somewhere.
I’m excited for when my nieces and nephewsget a little older. Right now I have like 12of them and the oldest one is ten. Oncethey hit their teens I have a feeling that myrole as "Weird Uncle Mike" will shift to "CoolUncle Mike." I will be more important to mybrother and sisters because I think I’m theonly sibling that knows what cocaine lookslike and I can tell them in a jiffy if their kid ishigh at the family Easter party.
Sorry this article is a little shorter than usual, but Leviathan 10 drops this month onNovember 12th and I haven’t even started it yet. I’m having a release party at theUrban Lounge and I might be starting my own church that night. It seems to be agood way to get money in a recession.
It was kind of fun to see so many Mormons in one place, not swearing and drinkingdiet Cokes and saying things like, "Geezeit sure is nice to meetcha." And I got to sitright behind Marie Osmond. I wish I got apicture, but she looks super weird in reallife, I think she was scripted out (on pills)or something.
But the reason I’m so hungover right nowis because any time I have to do anythingremotely Mormon-esque I feel the need tocounteract that activity by getting superfucked up right after. So after spendingthe afternoon with one of the most belovedMormon past times ever, BYU Football,I spent the evening with one of my mostbeloved pastimes: A blatant disregard formy liver.
I got a mass text today inviting me to the firstever Juggalo church service, but I couldn’tgo. Not because I’m not a Juggalo, but fora couple reasons. First, I didn’t get the textuntil a half hour after The Church of theDark Carnival had started, and secondbecause I’m still technically a Latter DaySaint. I’m just really, really bad at it.
I haven’t removed my records from thechurch because I have way too much funyelling at missionaries when they come overand try to get me back in the ten percentclub. Kind of like how my dad doesn’task to be removed from telemarketer calllists so he can scream at people over thephone – it’s a good outlet for him.
I keep telling the missionaries that if theycan just tell me where dinosaurs comefrom, I’ll consider ruining my Sunday bydoing something incredibly boring forthree hours on a consistent basis. Butso far no one can. I’ll leave that offer outfor any religious organization: explain howevolution is not possible to me in a logicalfashion and I’m game. That even goes for the Juggalos.
Hey, I just thought of something, the Juggalos should get their own missionaries.That would be super entertaining if dudes with painted faces went around doorto-door preaching about the Great Milenko and clown hell and whatnot!
My Saturday withthe MormonsAnyway, when I do go to church these days it’s usually to support my Mormonfamily in one way or another. See, I was raised Mormon and I have the stereotypicalbig Mormon family and we had the giant Suburban when I was a kid and the wholenine.
Illustration by Snuggles
Now that I’m older, my sisters are all married and have turned themselves intobaby-spewing vending machines. They arespitting live fetuses out faster than machinegun bullets. And every time a new babyenters the world, they gotta bless it and I’mobligated to go to church for these events.
As my nieces get older and learn how to walkand talk and recognize who I am, I suddenlybecome "Weird Uncle Mike." They ask mequestions about my tattoos like, "Why didyou draw on your arms?" When they get alittle older, like around six or seven, they saystuff to me like, "Long hair is for girls andtattoos are bad, Uncle Mike."
So the last time that one of my nephewsinformed me that tattoos were bad I askedhim where he learned that, but his fragilechild mind couldn’t answer the question. Ithen told him that Jesus had tattoos, so theycan’t be bad, right? He agreed with this andthen I asked my sister the same question,"So where’d your little guy learn that tattoosare for bad people?"
I then told my sister that my body was atemple too. It just has some art on the walls.Then I told her kids that Jesus had tattoos.When she asked me why I told her kids thatJesus had some sweet ink, I asked her howdo we know he didn’t? We all know Jesuswas a hippie. He could have had a Kokopellitribal on him somewhere.
I’m excited for when my nieces and nephewsget a little older. Right now I have like 12of them and the oldest one is ten. Oncethey hit their teens I have a feeling that myrole as "Weird Uncle Mike" will shift to "CoolUncle Mike." I will be more important to mybrother and sisters because I think I’m theonly sibling that knows what cocaine lookslike and I can tell them in a jiffy if their kid ishigh at the family Easter party.
Sorry this article is a little shorter than usual, but Leviathan 10 drops this month onNovember 12th and I haven’t even started it yet. I’m having a release party at theUrban Lounge and I might be starting my own church that night. It seems to be agood way to get money in a recession.
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