Dear Dickheads,

I think it’s time to address the skatepark etiquette column and make the following statement: “Dave Amador is the Rush Limbaugh of the SLC skate scene.”  

First, Skate Park Etiquette is basically written by a frustrated and washed-up old dude who doesn’t want to see any change happen in the sport that he failed at himself.  Why wasn’t Rush Limbaugh ever a politician, and why wasn’t Amador ever a pro skater?  Like Rush, he uses generalizations to try and rally the other old drunk punk skaters of the last generation to his dead-end cause of getting some kind of arbitrary respect in a public park (I keep getting older, they stay the same age...).  He lumbers onto a soapbox and shouts, “Clear the way for the old guys, they are the only ones that deserve to be here!” Next, he calls out little kids trying to learn how to skate to a fight for getting in his way.  If he is so good, shouldn’t he be able to watch out for them?  It’s my guess that in real life, he is neither as good or as tough as he writes. After all, his threats are always pointed toward “those fucking little shits.”  I don’t know how that works with the Rush comparison, but it’s lame just the same.  It’s always little with him, hmmm … Finally, I can’t prove it, but judging by his writing, Amador probably has some kind of problem with painkillers or some other kind of prescription drugs, just like his republican doppelganger Rush Motherfucking Limbaugh, baby. That’s right, I said it.  I know it sounds just like senseless hating but to quote the subject of my affection, “This is just my bullshit opinion: Kill Yo’ Self!!!”

On the positive side, the column is funny to read and take with a grain of salt.  I don’t want it to stop, I just want to put things in their place a little bit.

Sincerely,
Commissioner of the Chump-police

Dear Commissioner,

I love how deeply you feel about this subject. Because of your letter we have decided to fire Dave Amador right now and replace him with a writer who actually has REAL advice to offer the young skateboarder, YOU (deadline is the 10th of each month, sucka).

Oh wait, I just realized that none of these skate kids take Amador’s column seriously—they laugh it off. See, skateboarders are a rare breed of derelicts who find humor in the most sordid affairs, and to tell you the truth I don’t think they give a rat’s ass about what Amador may or may not say. They probably just laugh about it over bong rips and PBR shotguns. So in conclusion, yes, please take Dave Amador’s writing with a grain of salt, because he is a very sensitive guy and he just pretends to be tough on the outside. Oh, he also owns a gun ...