Mike Brown's Self-Help Column

From Issue 149, May 2001

My mom caught me in the act and now she’s comatose: What should I do?

Dear Mike Brown,

My problem is of a perverse nature. And judging by your last two articles, you are no stranger to perversity. I am a 17 year old male who likes to make love to fruit. I don’t really like to think of it as masturbation—it’s a much more intimate process for me than just firing one off in a Little America bathroom stall.

First let me explain my love-making process and then I’ll burden you with my dilemma. I have tried to make love to almost every kind of fruit and vegetable. If you can eat it, I’ve probably fucked it (I stay away from meat products for I am a straightedge vegetarian). Cantaloupes and grapefruits are the best love makers, and are what I usually dip in to. Occasionally I’ll get a gigantic tomato or a not quite ripe watermelon. But those are generally too messy. I go to the grocery store and spend hours searching for the loneliest grapefruit or cantaloupe I can find. Just like people, the lonelier and more isolated the fruit is, the more accepting and needing it is of my love. I carefully place the grapefruit in my grocery bag, always on top of the other products so it doesn’t feel claustrophobic. Sometimes I take her out to dinner or a movie, just to break the ice a little bit. When we get back to my house it’s usually pretty late. That’s when I begin the foreplay. The foreplay consists of me sticking her (the grapefruit) in the microwave for about 45 seconds. I cut a small hole in her as well.  I then sneak into my room and stick her between my mattresses and bang her doggie style. Sometimes I let the grapefruit ride on top, but I prefer not to see her face.

So here’s my problem. About three days ago I was making love to this beautiful grapefruit. Man, you should have seen her, she was in season in the best way possible way. She was so hot that I was having trouble getting my soldier to stand attention, if you know what I mean. So I turned on my TV to ESPN and listened to women’s tennis to help me out. The screams usually get him going. But I needed more help. While my grapefruit girlfriend was between my mattresses I set some adult magazines on top of the bed. Sorry to paint such a vivid picture of my love making process, but it is important that you understand. Well, the screams from the Venus vs. Serena Williams match must have woken up my mother. She came down into my room to see what all the ruckus was about. I couldn’t hear her walking into my room, and man, she saw everything! Once she figured out what I was doing she was so surprised she passed out and hit her head on my dresser. I quickly changed the channel, got dressed and shoved my pornos back under my bed. I had to unfortunately cut my lovemaking session with the grapefruit short. I went and got my dad and just told him that she collapsed when she came into my room, (which was true). We then took her to the hospital to make sure nothing was wrong with her head.

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