by Mike Brown

When I was a kid you had to be one of three things to qualify yourself as a cell phone owner. You had to be a doctor, a drug dealer, or an asshole. You could be a little of one or the other and still qualify, or all three for that matter. But you had to have one of those features or I'm pretty sure you couldn't get one.

Nowadays, cell phones are exactly like assholes, everybody's got one and they all are capable of spewing forth large amounts of shit. And just because everybody owns a cell phone now doesn't mean that the asshole cell phone guy doesn't exist. He just blends in with society a little better. But trust me, asshole cell phone guy still comes into my work at least three times per week. You know the guy; he has his conversations extra loud to make himself extra important. And a lot of times he's rocking a jerk collar. And don't you love the way he stops you mid-sentence with a one fingered hand gesture that's not the bird but five times worse (to signify that whatever you are possibly talking about with him is not as important as the conversation he's about to have via text message)?

Speaking of text messages, is it just me or is this shit fucking bizarre? I didn't realize how prevalent and strange this form of communication has become until I recently witnessed a good friend break up with a girl over a text message. This was weird to me but not to the people I work with. The people I work with are mostly in their late teens or early twenties and texting is their preferred form of communication. I swear they would rather lose their ball sacks than their thumbs (like if a terrorist was holding them hostage and said, "I'm going to cut off something and it's going to either be your ears, your nuts, or your thumbs, but it's your choice.") The terrorists would be ball deep in ears and nut-sacks.

Given my managerial position at my work, I'm often put in the awkward position of disciplinarian. I sometimes hate this role but, honestly, sometimes firing a motherfucker is fun. One of my little rules (and I don't have many of them) is to stay off your fucking cell phone while at work. No one can seem to do this. The employees just go in the bathroom and pretend to take the Cosby's swimming and talk and text on their little phones. So I just steal their phones when they leave them out and send as many fucked up texts as I can to mess with their lives.

It's crazy how dependent people have become on their little wireless communication devices. I've heard stories of people going to jail and not knowing who to call to bail them out because they didn't have any phone numbers memorized and the pigs took their phone. Instead of waking up in the morning and asking yourself, "Where's my cigarettes?" Now its "Where's my cell phone?"

I was at a party on Halloween and I happened to find a cell phone on the ground. I called some of the dude's friend's and let him know that I had his phone. One of the dude's friends let me know that he had left the party but if he saw him he would tell him that some random stranger, me, had his phone. I told him to look for the giant used tampon because that was the costume I was wearing. As the night went on and I got more and more unsober, some girl started talking to me in a flirtatious manner. Since I have a girlfriend and since she was ugly I didn't want to communicate with her any more. I pulled out the cell phone that wasn't mine and made her think that I was going to ask her for her number but instead I chucked the phone in a raging fire. She looked confused so I explained to her that I was kidding around. I told her that I found the phone, that it wasn't even really mine and this made her madder. She called me an asshole and walked away. I was more like a stuck up cunt that night seeing how I was dressed up like a tampon and all.