Dear Dickheads,

When I started college I was assured over and over again that it wouldn't be like Animal House or any of the Van Wilder movies. There haven't been any toga parties on my floor (yet), foreign kids slipping out the window from too much lube when they're trying to lose their "V card" or and so far no seventh year seniors who aren't attending medical school. There is a problem though. Not even a week into college and there is already a floor whore. This floor whore doesn't even live on campus! It'd be one thing if she actually lived on my floor... but no... she still lives at home with her rents' and has been lying to them about where she is staying every night! Rumor has it the floor whore that doesn't live on the floor has already been busy fucking not one but two dudes!

The black hickeys that cover her neck, which she makes no attempt to cover up disgust me. I'm worried that she might have sex in the communal showers and I'll catch one of her dirty floor whore STD's, or worse she'll open her legs and everyone will be sucked into her vortex style vagina.

Sincerely,
Mary Prudehead


Dear Mary,
I can't figure out what is worse – you being uptight and not getting any of this action or the fact that the "gentlemen" implicated in this sordid affair are left out of the picture! I think someone is a little jealous of the town bicycle getting so many rides around campus while the town slip and slide is left high and dry.

I don't really consider it a problem that there is any sort of promiscuous playing around this early into your college career. What are you – some sort of throw back from Leave it to Beaver or the Brady Bunch? I suggest you do the same thing – go out there and put yourself on the meat market! It isn't hard and who knows ... you may even gain a little popularity in the process. In this day and age of reality television from its explosion with the Real World to Girls Gone Wild a little skin here and there never hurt anyone. If anything it seems to be fun and profitable!

The first place I would go to get a little suck and fuck is Port O' Call. As the name suggests it is a Port O' Calling if you know what I mean. From the first whiff of Brut Eau de Toilette spray that hangs heavy in the air to jerk collars there is a beavy of cock for you to grab and "call" your own. Whose knows, maybe after your foray into sleeping around you'll change your tune about what it actually means to be a "whore."

Hell, it doesn't seem to be that bad to have a vortex style vagina either. With that sort of "bandwidth" you could have a great bar trick for free drinks. Picture this: you walk into a bar and bet someone three shots of whiskey that you could make a barstool disappear right in front of their eyes. Just sit down and cash in on the free whiskey. Sweet tits! If there is anything to be learned from the adventures of a lady of ill repute it is this: don't knock it until you try it.


Dear Dickheads,
This past summer I was in Salt Lake City and stumbled across SLUG. It saved me. I found the articles humorous and the CD reviews very informative. The daily calendar in the back of the magazine was also a great way for me to figure out what was going on around town in Salt Lake. Now I'm back in Oklahoma for school and wondering if there was any way I could get a subscription to the magazine. Thanks so much and keep up the great job!
Tyler Johnson

Hey Tyler,
Glad you liked the magazine. Subscriptions can be bought for the low low price of $15 a year. Just send all of your mailing info, a check or money order and a note that says you are interested in a subscription to us at SLUG Magazine
351 W Pierpont Ave Ste 4
SLC UT 84101

Or you can email us at info@slugmag.com

Or you can give us a call. 801- 487-9221.

Plus if you ever find yourself locked up for a nasty charge like drug trafficking or murder we'd be more than happy to hook you up with a subscription to receive while in prison.