Mike Brown as Mike Brown
Issue 216 / December 2006 More from this Issue
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By Mike Brown
Reason number one: I think Christmas is stupid because one year I caught my girlfriend at the time doing crystal meth around the holiday season. I know that reason is personal and trivial, but never the less it’s a reason. Catching your girlfriend doing crystal meth sucks for a lot of reasons, but it especially sucks at Christmas time. All the gifts that I had bought her were quickly hawked and I watched her deteriorate down the yellow crack road. I had to dump her. Meth is a weird drug. It’ll turn a rainbow trout into a Lake Powell carp in no time.However, this break up supports a theory I have about break ups in general, which is that, I think, couples are more inclined to break up in between Thanksgiving and Christmas so they don’t have to buy their loved ones presents. This leaves a person who just dumped their loved one with a two-month option until Valentines Day to construct a game plan on how to get the loved one back if needed. I also hate Valentines Day; to me it is not a declaration of a couple’s love, it’s a way to make up for how you fucked up your last Christmas.
Reason number two: Christmas is stupid because I’ve worked retail. After working retail for six years I think I will forever have a firm hatred of Christmas and the month of December in general. If you really believe that bullshit of the holiday spirit see how much of that cheer you’ll find in the poor girl behind the register at the Gap. I know she has a choice of whether she’s working there or not, but I feel sorry for her anyway. And if you have worked retail of any sorts you know what assholes everyone becomes when they are shopping.
Reason number three: Christmas is stupid because I believe it increases the divorce rate in a detrimental fashion. How? Here’s how: A kid with divorced parents is more likely to celebrate Christmas twice, thus making that kid more inclined to encourage the destruction of his parents holy union. Again, I am speaking from personal experience. Christmas becomes another competition to see who is the best parent and who can make up for all the harmful abandonment issues by purchasing Nintendo games. I will say this, though, Nintendo games really do help heal the emotional wounds left by a parental separation.
Reason number four: Christmas is stupid because Santa likes rich kids more. When I was a kid I was always confused by this, "why does Santa like these stupid asshole rich kids more than me?" I didn’t grow up poor by any means, but I did take notes on how the richest kid on my street, who I knew for a fact wasn’t as ‘good’ as I was for the month of December, somehow got more loot than I did. Fuck you, Santa!
Reason number five: Christmas is stupid because it’s based on lies. Flying reindeer? Elves? A house at the North Pole? Who the fuck came up with this shit? And how did Jesus find his way into the mix? I heard he wasn’t even born in December. That’s some evil-capitalist-type shit to get kids to believe such outrageous lies. It infuriates me! If I lie to a kid about something that’s not about Christmas, then I’m an asshole. So why should Christmas be any different?
Thanks for letting me vent about the worst holiday ever, be sure to check out the SLUG holiday gift guide and I hope you get me something nice.
Reason number one: I think Christmas is stupid because one year I caught my girlfriend at the time doing crystal meth around the holiday season. I know that reason is personal and trivial, but never the less it’s a reason. Catching your girlfriend doing crystal meth sucks for a lot of reasons, but it especially sucks at Christmas time. All the gifts that I had bought her were quickly hawked and I watched her deteriorate down the yellow crack road. I had to dump her. Meth is a weird drug. It’ll turn a rainbow trout into a Lake Powell carp in no time.However, this break up supports a theory I have about break ups in general, which is that, I think, couples are more inclined to break up in between Thanksgiving and Christmas so they don’t have to buy their loved ones presents. This leaves a person who just dumped their loved one with a two-month option until Valentines Day to construct a game plan on how to get the loved one back if needed. I also hate Valentines Day; to me it is not a declaration of a couple’s love, it’s a way to make up for how you fucked up your last Christmas.
Reason number two: Christmas is stupid because I’ve worked retail. After working retail for six years I think I will forever have a firm hatred of Christmas and the month of December in general. If you really believe that bullshit of the holiday spirit see how much of that cheer you’ll find in the poor girl behind the register at the Gap. I know she has a choice of whether she’s working there or not, but I feel sorry for her anyway. And if you have worked retail of any sorts you know what assholes everyone becomes when they are shopping.
Reason number three: Christmas is stupid because I believe it increases the divorce rate in a detrimental fashion. How? Here’s how: A kid with divorced parents is more likely to celebrate Christmas twice, thus making that kid more inclined to encourage the destruction of his parents holy union. Again, I am speaking from personal experience. Christmas becomes another competition to see who is the best parent and who can make up for all the harmful abandonment issues by purchasing Nintendo games. I will say this, though, Nintendo games really do help heal the emotional wounds left by a parental separation.
Reason number four: Christmas is stupid because Santa likes rich kids more. When I was a kid I was always confused by this, "why does Santa like these stupid asshole rich kids more than me?" I didn’t grow up poor by any means, but I did take notes on how the richest kid on my street, who I knew for a fact wasn’t as ‘good’ as I was for the month of December, somehow got more loot than I did. Fuck you, Santa!
Reason number five: Christmas is stupid because it’s based on lies. Flying reindeer? Elves? A house at the North Pole? Who the fuck came up with this shit? And how did Jesus find his way into the mix? I heard he wasn’t even born in December. That’s some evil-capitalist-type shit to get kids to believe such outrageous lies. It infuriates me! If I lie to a kid about something that’s not about Christmas, then I’m an asshole. So why should Christmas be any different?
Thanks for letting me vent about the worst holiday ever, be sure to check out the SLUG holiday gift guide and I hope you get me something nice.
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Posted on December 25, 2007 by Daryl
Mike,your girl friend is a sort for doing meth, however she is supporting the mexican spirit of capatalistic development. So you should look at it as a supportation of the economics in the minority population. Best wishes, sincerly zs.
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