Have you ever received a gift for the holidays that was so ridiculously stupid that you wondered where it came from? After opening one of these gifts, the giver will usually end up saying something along the lines of, “when I saw this, I just knew it was perfect for you!” Don’t throw it away, save it for next year! Re-gifting a bad gift is a great idea! This holiday season, SLUG has compiled a list of the worst gifts on the market, all perfect for the act of regifting. This year, when you unwrap any of these awful presents, fear not, now you won’t have to buy a thing for the next birthday, baby shower or house-warming party you get invited to. Lucky you.
Aura Lava Lamp
Manufacturer: Lava Brand
What They Say: This lava lamp features multiple colors swirling within a globe to create a mystical array of colors.
What We Say: A lava lamp with no lava in it? Come on! I hate it when people half-ass things. I don’t know too many stoners dumb enough to fall for this one, and I know a lot of dumb stoners. Bottom line is, if there ain’t no lava in it, it ain’t no lava lamp! This item is an embarrassment to any white-trash hippie and their trailer that is internally designed by a Hot Topic manager. –Mike Brown
Beauty, Health and Happiness
Manufacturer: Lily Organics, HCO Publishing
What They Say: Lily and her use of all things organic will create more health, beauty, confidence and an abundant amount of happiness.
What We Say: This book and kit were written and developed by a hippie lady who is real smart, according to her degrees. But what I want to know is, if she’s so smart, why is she a hippie? This looks like a self-help book, so I won’t read one page. And just to make sure that the free organic skin-care package that came with this book is animal friendly, I put some moisturizing cream on my cat’s butt. He didn’t seem to think it was friendly at all, and he’s an animal. –Mike Brown
Manufacturer: Chaser Merchandising
What They Say: The three faces of Danzig features dolls that are representative of the three bands he has fronted in his career; Misfits, Samhain and Danzig.
What We Say: Glenn Danzig has to be the most fan-conscious rock star in the world. Unlike selfish celebrities like Metallica or Kiss, Glenn doesn’t just put out one over-priced action figure for his fans—he puts out three! I opted to go with Misfits-era Danzig, but all three provide their owner with hours of fun. The vinyl plush dolls can barely move at all, but one look at the trademark scowl Glenn’s giving more than makes up for the $75 price tag. I’m having so much fun that I think I’ll sell my car and get all three!- -–James Orme
Blood Drive BDFX1 Distortion Pedal
Manufacturer: Coffin Case
What They Say: “The Blood Drive’s 100% analog circuitry is based on the classic distortion boxes of the past, but revoiced and with more gain for a modern gnarl.”
What We Say: The coffin case design should make anyone weary of its actual performance, but the pedal could definitely be used in several situations– such as a decoration for Halloween or maybe even a gift for your favorite goblin or ghoul. This pedal sounds like there is a dead body in the coffin and should only be used in musical situations where the particular instrument that is using it cannot be heard. It looks real scary, though! –Andrew Glassett
ezVue 6 Personal Digital Assistant
What They Say: An inexpensive personal digital assistant that calculates, sets up dates and translates. What a piece of cake!
What We Say: A good and bad idea. A good idea because to have a personal digital assistant without it being a cell phone, email program and everything in between separates your phone to be just that–a phone. A bad idea because having all those high tech tools in one easy-to-use electronic device means not only is it one less thing to lose, but you can correlate all your information to work with each feature in one machine. Regardless of the good/bad idea dichotomy, ezVue 6 was OK. OK because it was everything a PDA needs to be but it was kind of bland. While it had a translator, several calculators (such as a mileage calculator), a to-do list, etc., it seemed as if cramming that much stuff in made each feature mediocre. If you can’t go on the Internet, what good is it to have all these address and phone numbers for if you can’t use them on the spot? The price is right, however, for all that you get. –Erik Lopez