The following is a list of animals that I'm not allowed to own as long as my girlfriend and I live together:
Skunks (stink box removed or otherwise)
Lizards or snakes of any kind
Fish, salt or freshwater (even though I consider aquariums household decorations and not pets)
Dogs of any kind (unless they are black, fat, can climb a tree and are called "cats" by most people)
Frogs or any other amphibians
Gerbils, hamsters, and other small rodents
No birds, no way (this one I agree with)
Squirrels, jackelopes, bears, giraffes, or any other zoo-like animal incapable of domestication
Everything that's in bold is an animal that I have owned and cared for in my lifetime, and one that I am confident that I could still care for. Ironically, my girl gave me the green light to own a tarantula or scorpion, but that's because she knows that I'm afraid of both of those creatures. So when it comes down to it, the only animal I'm allowed to have is a cat.
Don't think for a second that I'm complaining. I now like cats even though I didn't when I was a kid. And I once had to break up with a girl because she had pet ferrets that she liked more than me. She also had a bad crystal-meth habit, which seems to be a reoccurring theme with my exes.
The only animal I'm really sad about not being able to own these days is the turtle. I think turtles make the best pets ever! Sure, a Red Ear Slider might require a somewhat smelly aquarium to flourish in, but an Eastern Box turtle is a relatively low-maintenance animal, and they're so cute! Turtles, as we all know from watching cartoons, are exceptionally smart. What other animal can you think of that is so prepared that it carries its entire house with it everywhere it goes? They are the RVs of the animal kingdom!
When I was a youth, my big Mormon family and I drove out to a family reunion on my dad's side to the wonderful "Show Me" state of Missouri. Or if you're from Missouri like my dad, it's pronounced miz-UR-aa. Missouri is best known for that big fucking arch, Branson (which is just like Las Vegas minus prostitution, gambling or anything fun) and amazing stores like Bass Pro, the world's largest specialty fishing store. Before Wal-Mart destroyed the rest of the country's economy, it spent a lot of time brainwashing Missourians into full allegiance. So much so that one of my cousins on my dad's side of the family got married in the Wal-Mart aisle where he met his wife. He died a year later from a tobacco overdose.