Cheap Beers

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Pabst Blue Ribbon
Brewery: Pabst Brewing Company
A.B.V.: Utah Beer
Price: $5.99
Size: Will usually get you a 12 pack
Description: I just woke up from one hell of a bender and discovered that I'd somehow tricked S.L.U.G. magazine into publishing my leaky lexicon and tolerating my verbal velocity. I am now one of the monkeys that Angela Brown has chained to a typewriter in the basement of S.L.U.G., which makes me your new hipster god and as every hipster knows P.B.R. is the "cool" cheap beer. I believe this phenomenon can be traced back to David Lynch. Every hipster fuck loves David Lynch movies. "Heineken? Fuck that shit! Pabst Blue Ribbon!" If you don't recognize that quote you are going to have to turn in your converse and apologize to your parents.

Overview: I've bought into the propaganda. It's my favorite cheap beer.

Where to find: As there is not a law that requires all retailers to carry PBR, you cannot assume that it will be in every beer aisle you strut your hipster ass down. You can always buy it from me, but if you come to my Tesoro looking to buy beer I'll probably send you to the liquor store next door. Buy Pabst from me when the liquor store is closed.

Natural Ice
Brewery: Anheuser-Busch
A.B.V.: Utah Beer
Price: $5.99
Size: Is the most you should ever pay for 12 of these
Description: I am now going to explain to you the meaning of two acronyms, "A.B.V." is short for "alcohol by volume" and "A.B.W." means "alcohol by weight." By the time you get to the bottom of this paragraph, I will have fact-checked the physics involved. What's more ridiculous than drinking Natural Light? Drinking Natural Ice in Utah. Outside of Utah, this piss-flavored beverage is 5.9 percent A.B.V.. In Utah it's 3.2 percent A.B.W. and 4.0 percent A.B.V.. I guess it might taste better than Natural Light—which is 5.0 bw outside of Utah, Minnesota and Oklahoma—but, I still cringe at the sight of a "Natty Light" because it was the first beer I ever tried—on my 21st birthday of course. Don't look at me like that! Now, how exactly would I get my hands on a beer before I had turned 21? I'd have to have had older friends purchase it completely legally and then bring it back to whatever "party" was going on, wouldn't I? At which point it would become a second party sale (now, that's against the law!). I always pitch in for beer. Eh, who cares about the physics involved? You do! Weight and volume are two different things. I can tell you, hopefully without boring you, that the ice brewing process is quite different. Between seven and ten days into the brewing process, the temperature is lowered below freezing which causes ice crystals to form. This causes the brew to have a higher percentage of alcohol, outside of Utah, this would clearly have an impact on the flavor.

Overview: If you aren't in one of those three states listed above this stuff is almost malt liquor!

Where to find: On the desk of S.L.U.G. staff writer/copyeditor Eric Blair.

Milwaukee's Best
Brewery: The Miller Brewing Company
A.B.V.: Utah Beer
Price: $5.84
Size: Might be how much a 12 pack costs at Walmart
Description: I'm really into fads, especially fad diets. I'm one of those people who only eats food they grow. If everybody did this there wouldn't be any war. All of the food I grow is organic and locally produced, obviously. Unfortunately, there just isn't enough room in my backyard farm to grow all the ingredients I'd need to make my own beer. I'm going to have to rotate my crops soon; maybe I'll find a place to grow barley and hops. For now, I have to leave Fantasy Island when I want a beer. One beer I could pick up during my day trip to reality is commonly referred to as "Milwaukee's Worst." With good reason, I might add.

Overview: There's really no reason to drink this shit unless you are in Milwaukee or it's the cheapest booze available.

Where to find: The good people at The Miller Brewing Company do their best to make sure their product is readily available—try grocery stores and gas stations and the like if you want to choke some of this down.

Brewery: Anheuser-Busch
A.B.V.: Utah Beer
Price: $1.39
Size: Should get you a 24 oz can
Description: As far as I can tell the entire reason this beer exists is for the jokes. They get funnier the more you drink. What's every dyke's favorite beer? Busch. There's a lot of different dirty jokes you could make and I love dirty jokes, so knock yourself out.

Overview: I'd rather be eating pussy (Busch jokes, gotta love 'em!), or drinking Busch Ice (the ice brewing process seems to add flavor and alcohol!)

Where to find: Avoid burning bushes and seek out a cooler. A cooler full of beer is best found inside one of those places with a sign outside that says, "Cold Beer."

Brewery: Coors Brewing Company
A.B.V.: Utah Beer
Price: $1.39 plus tax for...
Size: A 24 oz can
Description: It's a tightly held secret that Keystone is an ethnic beer. Even a Keystone cop knows that Keystone, the beer, is the keystone of a certain ethnic lifestyle. What ethnic group is associated with Keystone? Fucking rednecks. White trash. White people. It'll always be okay to mock the white dude in a wifebeater sitting in font of his trailer drinking a Keystone on a hot summer's day. This guy has a 30 pack of Keystone and he's waiting for his wife to come home from work. In a few days, they are gonna have more food stamp cash and that'll be nice. He's not worried about that right now—he's mostly concerned about how quickly he's running out of beer—and where the fuck is his wife?

Overview: The foundation of any healthy breakfast!

Where to find: Most places that sell beer have it.

Brewery: SABMiller
A.B.V.: Utah Beer
Price: About seven bucks for a 12 pack
Size: A 12 pack of 12 ounce cans.
Description: Did I say that Pabst was the coolest of all hipster beers? Well, fuck that. Pabst is so fucking five minutes ago. So, there was this Olympia Brewing Company—a'ight? Clearly with a name like that it was all up in the northwest part of the country—Washington state to be exact. So many cool bands have come from Washington: fucking Nirvana, forgive me for mentioning Pearl Jam, Mudhoney, etc. There's such great sushi in the northwest. Trendy assholes love raw fish. Heroin is pretty good there too—nothing proves your "street cred" better than being a fucking junky. I digress...  

Overview: "It's the water." Bullshit. It's the alcohol.

Where to find: Well, I've got 11 of them hidden in a comic book store. If you can guess which comic book store, and if they are still there, you can have them!