Beautiful Godzilla: Feminine Bike Recon

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Illustration: Ryan Perkins

I learned how to ride a two-wheeler without training wheels when I was three years old. No big deal. It was a warm summer night 20-some years ago, the sun was just setting as my papa pulled off those extra little wheel supports from my pink-tasseled Barbie cruiser. With a gentle push, I was on my way, riding in dizzying circles around the cheering crowd of spectators chanting my name. I’ve since upgraded to the sleek green pedal machine I use to burn holes into our salty streets—the supporting character in my experiences riding, racing, crashing, sexing (that’s right) on, over, under, next to, in and generally around bicycles. I’ll be wheeling these experiences into your brains through SLUG’s action station from now on. With that said, let’s ride!

There’s a definite lack of female representation in the bicycle community. I’m not going to pretend that it hasn’t been advantageous when it comes to dating—the male to female ratio is absolutely in my favor and there are some real babes on bikes riding about—but there are times when a gal just needs the kind of bonding only her fellow lady bitches can provide. Also, group rides with a bunch of guys can get obnoxious real quick: Getting called “fag” from the overcompensating douches in their lifted trucks on a regular basis seems to be a big motivating factor to ride fast and reckless. Not that I’m against hustling, I just don’t want to watch a pissing contest while I’m trying to enjoy a leisurely ride about town.  This is why I’ve done just about anything I can think of to bring more ladies some good clean fun between the legs. All right, pervs, pull your hands out of your pants now ’cause the kind of lollipop licking described hereafter will not leave you with a happy ending.

About three years ago, I started a women-only bicycle crew, now called Salty Spokes. Back then, we were the FTP, which didn’t really stand for anything, but rhymed with BFC, the super macho fixie crew that has since disbanded. What can I say, I’m a sucker for subtle mockery. Turns out that all irony aside, most everyone thought a ladies’ bike crew was an awesome idea, and we now have monthly rides and a pretty sweet blog inspired by Candy Cranks at saltyspokes.com. Our longest running and most frequent ride is Sundae Shuffle, a casual ride around town that concludes in tasty vegan treats on the third Sunday of every month, weather permitting. Unfortunately, for no known reason, getting Salt Lake City women to show up to events is easier said than done. Personally, I’ll show up to anything that promises the possibility of getting one or more of three F’s: fucked, fucked up and fed.

So, ladies of the Great Salt Lake, where you at? Not only are bicycles historical symbols of feminine power, but they pump you up with grin-inducing endorphins and keep your ass looking fine. If I had to choose between a boyfriend and a bicycle, there’d be no battle: That saddle satisfies like no man can.

Join Salty Spokes on our next ride on Sunday, July 17 at 6 p.m. at Gallivan. Check out saltyspokes.com for more information on how to ditch your boy for a bike.

Photos:
Illustration: Ryan Perkins