Happy Wheels / Gunblood
Total Jerkface / Wolf Games
Reviewed on: Flash
Not Compatible With: Hipster iPhones
As much fun as it is to kill someone by grenading them in the crotch, I will not be reviewing Modern Warfare number whatever today. I will not be showing you an in-depth, SLUG Magazine exclusive sneak peak into Blizzard’s new MMO, code-named Titan. I will not be preaching about Duke Nukem Forever, because you, sir, deserve better than that, sir. Instead, let us dive into the wonderful world of free online Flash games. So set down your closed-system iPhone and buckle the fuck up, son, because we’re going straight to the cubicle.
Happy Wheels (www.totaljerkface.com/happy_wheels.php), while simple and innocent-sounding, is one of the most deliciously gory games I have ever had the pleasure of playing. I started as the “irresponsible dad,” a guy on his bike with a small child in a seat behind him. As I rolled around the BMX park, I hit a jump slightly wrong and watched in amazement as my child flew into the air, hit the corner of a ramp and splattered into about 50 pieces. Beautiful I say, just beautiful. My next adventure was a jaunt over some grassy hills as an overweight man on a Rascal. As my fat ass got exploded by a landmine, I squealed with glee as the soda and Skittles that fell out of my Rascal’s basket mixed with the entrails of my cellulite. Other characters include a homeless man in a jet-powered wheelchair, an unsuspecting tourist on a Segway and a young couple on a motorcycle. Not only was it great fun to watch all of these characters smoosh themselves on various types of pavement or get crushed between comically oversized gears, it was also fun to make my own levels. Not only can you kill these characters in your own twisted maze from hell, you can also try out other sadistic creations from people all over the world.
While crushing Grandpa in between his wheelchair and an elevator is great fun, some of us with more refined palates demand a bit more class from our Flash games. Gunblood (www.gunblood.com) fills that role quite nicely. The premise of this game is quite simple: A standoff between you and another bad-ass western motherfucker. You each get six bullets, and whoever is left standing in the end is crowned the champion. There are also bonus rounds where you get to shoot down bottles, birds, throwing knives and, more often than not, your own assistant.
Whether you’re into smashing a dad and his small child into a gory mess or blowing the neck off of some scantily clad gunslinger, you’ll certainly get your rocks off with one of these well crafted (and free!) Flash games. –Ross Solomon
Dragonball Z: Raging Blast 2
Reviewed On: Xbox 360
Also On: PS3â€¨
When I was a kid, I fucking loved Dragonball Z and I’m not afraid to admit it. I remember watching it on Cartoon Network every day after school. Those extremely similar looking characters fucking drew me in. A lot has happened in the Dragonball universe since I left it. Apparently, there are a bunch of different levels of super saiyan. Shit has become ridiculous, like Nip/Tuck. The game incorporates all of these bat-shit crazy changes, and a fuck-ton of characters. The graphics are pretty decent, I mean obviously not photo-realistic or anything, but smooth I guess. The game play, well it’s just button mashing. I have yet to enter a match on the game I couldn’t destroy by just button mashing. It is fun though, it requires a much lower level of involvement than any game I have. I have been playing it while watching a movie and doing homework. There are a bunch of different game modes, but they are all pretty much the same. I have been doing Galaxy Mode, which follows the show’s timeline for each character. I think for a Dragonball Z fan, this is probably a good representation of the aging beast that is the Dragonball canon. It certainly isn’t impressive enough to pick it up unless you are a huge fan, there are much better fighting games out there. But to end it on a positive note, HOLY SHIT THE INTRO IS GREAT! It is like a J-pop band covering metal songs for six minutes to some brutal cut scenes, fucking intense.– Cody Hudson
Naruto Shippuden: Ultimate Ninja Storm 2
CyberConnect 2/Namco Bandai
Reviewed on: Xbox 360
Also on: Playstation 3
I played this game for about 12 hours, and I can honestly say that I have no fucking idea what was going on. Based on the long-running and highly convoluted anime/manga series, Naruto Shippuden: Ultimate Ninja Storm 2 apparently picks up right where Ultimate Ninja Storm 1 dropped off, but here’s all I got out of the story: Naruto, a plucky young ninja possessed by a giant nine-tailed fox who has blond hair for some reason, has just returned from three years of intense training with a creepy old dude he affectionately refers to as the Pervy Sage, and now he has to fight a dangerous group of new ninjas who want to kill the fox that lives inside him or some shit. This is basically a pretty shallow arena-based fighting game, but it’s also surprisingly addictive. Most battles can be won by button-mashing, but the boss fights are actually pretty awesome, changing up the gameplay with quick-time events and some weird but fun shooting passages. Unfortunately, far too much time is spent traveling back and forth to talk to inconsequential characters in order to progress the story and get you from fight to fight. After a while you’ll simply be going through the motions waiting for the next awesome boss fight, but greasy-faced, basement-dwelling fans of the Naruto franchise will eat this game up. –Ricky Vigil
Shaun White Skateboarding
Reviewed on: Xbox 360
Also on: Wii, Playstation 3, PC
This is the type of game that one plays and ends up bummed that he or she actually spent money on it. I, luckily, did not spend a single dollar on the game and so, in my opinion, it’s just a bad game and not a waste of money. There are so many skateboarding games out these days, and I was excited to play Shaun White’s vision of what a skating game should be. The game starts out by informing you of the objective, which is to convert the dull, everyday less-creative people (the ministry) and obstacles into the loud, vibrant and awesome. You achieve this by skating things and bringing life back to the city. What sucks about this game is that the idea is cool, but the controls are a joke. By simply pressing and releasing the A button you do a variation of flip tricks, which is random as far as I can understand. Yes, with one button, you can do kickflips, heelflips, ollies, varials and pop shuvs. I couldn’t even figure out how to nollie, and there is no switch stance. Oh, and apparently Shaun doesn’t believe in knowing what tricks are what, because a back lip is called a back board. As a skater, I hate it when the game doesn’t label what I’m doing correctly. Overall, this game is horrible unless you’re too young to play SK8. Don’t waste your time, and don’t support a sellout. Come on, Shaun, you’re rich! Make a game that doesn’t suck, you rotten tomato. –Hessian!