Ask a Cop – April 2012

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Illustration: Sean Hennefer

Hello There Mr. Cop,
The reason for my writing you is that us females here in Davis County Jail have (quite literally) a very shitty issue to bring to your attention. I understand the necessity for the whole cruel and unusual punishment thing to keep the crazies in check. And I also understand budget cuts and “downsizing” and whatnot. But what I do not get is how we get denied our right to the most very basic of basic hygiene on the daily in here. Even being conservative, one roll of toilet paper is not capable of lasting not just one, but two people a whole week. And pads…that’s a joke in here too. It’s like pulling teeth just not to bleed on one’s self. How do you split four pads between six women and make them last the entire night? Anyways, I guess what the question would be to you is this: in your professional opinion, do you think this inhumane behavior is a way to A: save a dollar from going to Bob Barker B: get ‘’their’’ jollys or C: win some sort of sick contest or bonus?
Bleedin’ 4 An Answer,
-Jailbird 11223

Dear Bleeder,
Wow! Never in my wildest … well … something, did I ever dream I’d be asked whatever it is you just asked me.

My first suggestion, and I know I’m anonymous, but by now you can tell I’m not a bleeder—oh yeah, dickweed patrol geek out there, feel free to plagiarize this idea along with the 434 others you’ve already used—maybe turn the pads over when y’all switch? Jesus, I don’t know how to help you.
This I do know: Don’t blame the Davis County Jail. They’re most likely following an accepted policy.

Besides not bleeding monthly, I’m not a jailer (or PLAGIARIZER/wannabe Bonneville, predominant-faith enforcer). So, I imagine most jails follow some sort of nationwide HOMEP policy. Yep, I just invented that acronym. I’m sure you’ll see it in a large internet publication soon, but just to help ol’ greasy seconds, it stands for Hygienic Oral Menstrual Excrement Policy (I checked with Mitt, and he approves this acronym).

Look at the drugs Welbutirol, Trazadone or many others. Psycho freaks in jail need them. But, does the jail, or most jails, dispense them? No. There are policies about drugs and, apparently, pads. God forbid the Pad Policy (known as P Squared to us in the know) transfer to tampons. I’m not quite sure how to flip those over. I asked my girlfriend, and she just broke my nose.

Whether you turn it over, swirl it, whatever, I guarantee that within a week you’ll hear about PAD POLICY in some national, internet daily publication, or maybe in a campaign slogan promoted by the predominant faith. My suggestion, get your ol’ man to put some money on your books for a decent, clean rag.

Sincerely,
Original Content (OC)

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