Ask a Cop

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Illustration: Steve Thueson

COP,
All our state neighbors are getting high on that good weed and those drive thru liquor store laundromats, but all we do is buy highway patrol new prowlers instead of paying for a million mormon babies’ quality educations. I’m curious as to how much gas $$ we’re forking out to the boys in blue as they wait at the border for some long haired high ass driving his shitty Subaru to cross state lines, all for a bottle of flowers? At least Colorado weed pays for schools and tastes better than the dirt wax I get out here. Also, heard we have a guy in prison for life because he sold in a school zone. I’m all for preservin’ the innocence of children, but for Christmas this year I want cells saved for baby rapers, Ted Bundys and politicians—put in a good word with the big guy upstairs for me. Cops are cool because they abide by the written rule (sometimes) but my beef is with blurring moral lines and the fact that this narcotic known as pot makes me want to kill myself less than alcohol. How do we implement change?
Thanks,
#Iwrotethishigh

Dear Hashtag Stoned:
Your writing is awesome evidence that weed dumbs you down. Read it sober and you’ll see.

Yes, UHP buys “prowlers” for their troopers to police this state’s highways. I have several close acquaintances who work UHP interdiction, and there has been no “prowler” increase that targets shitty, recreational pot-possessing Subarus traveling from Colorado to Utah. Monzas and Pintos, yes, but not Subarus.

Providing money for Mormon babies (and for that matter, children of any religion) to be educated has never been a Utah legislature priority and probably never will be.

Colorado made a couple million bucks their first month in marijuana taxes. The first $40 million has to go to schools, so they’re not even going to cover that requirement. They probably make more off the lotto than weed. We’ll see what happens down the road.

No one goes to prison for life for selling weed in a school zone anymore. Feds don’t work possession cases—they work trafficking and distribution cases. Less than 1 percent of drug convicts are incarcerated for simple possession.

Here are a few points to ponder: This country just spent five decades doing everything possible to get people to quit smoking cigarettes. Five decades from now, we’ll be doing the same thing, trying to quit smoking weed. You will not find one legit doctor who says that smoking weed has any medicinal value. Read the 2012 British Lung Foundation study on marijuana. According to their medical studies, one joint increases your risk of lung cancer as much as 20 cigarettes. And don’t think the pro–“puff puff pass” people only have their sights set on just legal marijuana.

I know people love gettin’ high on bud. I won’t say it’s worse than alcohol—it’s probably not. My point is, isn’t one drug that devastates society enough? Why do we need two, or three or more? Legalizing more drugs just seems like some super libertarian, “if it feels good do it” movement of the hour. I think we as a country should pause before we have to spend another five decades trying to clean up the legal weed fiasco.

Lastly, as Mr. Davis from the Dallas Morning News recently pointed out, if you have a choice to have your child ride in a car with someone who just drank one excellent beer or smoked one excellent hydroponic joint, which would you choose?

Have a question for the cop? Email him at askacop@slugmag.com.

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