Ask A Cop

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Illustration: Sean Hennefer

Dear Orificer,

I’m curious about the “man behind the mask.” I’ve kind of surmised you can’t be a typical cop or you probably wouldn’t write a feature for SLUG Magazine … right?

Tell me some things about yourself. Why did you decide to become a cop? What was one of the hardest things you’ve had to do or seen happen in the line of duty (like you know, difficult or heartbreaking)? Do you ever think about changing your career? Did you have ideals when you first started and do you feel like you still have them? Do you have some kind of music or art background?

I know you can’t share your identity and I don’t want to know. I guess I just want to get a better idea of who you really are as a person and a human being before I make any kind of solid opinion on your letter.

–Dostoevsky Princess


I’m not from Utah. Punk is my musical background, and that’s why I like SLUG. During my formative years, everything was Black Flag and my skateboard, and I had a front-row seat to the Decline of Western Civilization. I spent many nights in places like Baces Hall, Stardust Ballroom, Fleetwood, Whiskey a Go Go—you name it. Drugs were everywhere, and they took their toll. Drug abuse and the purveyors of that toxin made an impression on me.

A good friend moved here, said the scene was cool, so I visited and frequented long-lost establishments such as Alice’s and The Word. I thought Utah was cool, and holy shit, the skiing!

Yep—been to jail, drank too much, bad tattoos, etc. … so I asked the government to help me get better, and goddamn, they did. When done with me, I didn’t have a lot of marketable skills, so I became a cop. Later, I moved to this fine state. That’s me, Princess—Orificer!

I’m a cop. I detest criminals. Criminals and bullies are the same thing. They prey on the innocent, the weak and the fragile. Robbers prey on the weak, burglars on the unsuspecting and drug dealers on the fragile. The “anti-cop” haters forget that cops don’t make laws, they only enforce laws, many of which aren’t agreed upon. I’d love to enforce only the anti-bully laws. That would be awesome.

Like many, I’m sure I started losing friends to drugs when I was very young. Drugs are a scourge. Legalize them, whatever, but don’t tell me it makes anything better. Child predators: THROW away the key! Heartbreaking stories—too many to count. That’s me, and some others, in a nutshell.


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