Ask a Cop – April 2010

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Dear Cop,

Can I get  DUI while riding a bicycle? Also, can I legally ride my
bike on the sidewalk in downtown Salt Lake City? How about the rest of the city, can I ride on the sidewalk there, too? And does that vary from city to city in Utah? Isn’t it bullshit that I’m being safe and not driving a car while drunk and still “The Man” finds a way to fuck with me?

Thanks Pig,
Whiskey Wheels

Dear Whiskey:
Yes, a bicycle is a vehicle as defined in Utah Criminal Code, “... device in, on, or by which a person or property is or may be transported or drawn on a highway...” To break that down for you, the man’s bullshit code says that Whiskey’s bike is a motor vehicle, and Whiskey is the motor.
And, don’t let the word “highway” affect your nefarious desires.  Utah has a whole separate code, 41-22-2, which deals with those who desire to imbibe and convey themselves while not on a normally recognized highway.  It has been proven that during the deer hunt or legislative session, the beer consumption in Utah increases by over 400%.  Look it up, it’s on the Internet.  Lately this increase has been primarily due to heathens forgetting the requisite invite of two or more Mormon friends or two or more Mormon legislator friends. [For those of you who don’t know it, the joke goes: why do you invite two Mormons deer hunting? ‘Cause one by himself will drink all the beer.]  Legislators sometimes forget to invite another Mormon to say, something like a hot tub party.  Now you know why heathens got no beer.
Consequently, the man created a statute to deal with any legislator, I mean Mormon, I mean person (slip of my tongue) who attempts conveyance in public or private while impaired by “... any substance that, when knowingly, intentionally, or recklessly taken into the human body, can impair the ability of a person to safely operate a motor vehicle.”
You can’t ride on a sidewalk in Salt Lake City, and it’s safest if you use that mentality anywhere in Utah.  Except Faust. In Faust, Utah you can ride on the sidewalk.  Go check it out.
Yep, it’s bullshit.  The man will fuck with you any way he can.  You know what, he fucks with me too.  Just a few weeks ago “the man” tried to pretty much do away with my retirement.  But, he decided to fuck new coppers mostly, and double dipping old cops a little too.  Just think, I’m the one who does what the man says, and I salute while doing it.  You on the other hand, do what he says NOT to do, and you do so while saluting with the middle finger.  Ultimately, we both get fucked, except you still get your retirement.