Ask a Cop – October 2009

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Have a question for our cop? Email askacop@slugmag.com

Dear Cop,
This began with an empty gas tank. My beau, who I’ll call “D,” was driving and his car gave out on the side of the freeway. As we waited for his dad to bring us some gas, red and blue lights appeared in the rearview mirrors. The cop asked why we were parked on the shoulder, and then ridiculed D for forgetting to fill up. The cop swept the beam of his flashlight around the front seats, and asked to see a pill bottle in the middle console.

When he saw a small nug of weed in the bottle, the officer’s attitude changed. He went from ridicule to disrespect toward both of us, all after having been dispatched to help our stranded vehicle. I had coincidentally finished my FAFSA just that morning, and was required to admit any drug convictions on my record because that would render me ineligible for federal student loans. I told D this, and he pled with the cop to let him off—not to ruin his life. The cop responded saying he “should have thought of that before [he] smoked marijuana,” and had no sympathy.

He asked D to exit the car, administered two sobriety tests and from the shivering result (it was freezing!), determined a 69 percent chance of intoxication. After handcuffing and arresting D, the officer read his Miranda rights to a “Mr. Chadwick,” (my last name, not his), and put him into the back of the car. I was driven home by D’s shaken dad, and after five hours of uncertainty, D arrived home from jail.
D went on to fail his classes—without his license, he couldn’t get to school from work in the short time required.

My question is this: Do you ever consider releasing those involved in non-violent crimes, in order that they may be more productive members of society?


Dear Victim,
Somehow, your blaming of everyone and everything else and convincing your boyfriend to take the blame for your shit results in a cop ruining lives? Seriously? Yes, I’ve toked a doobie (or a million) long ago, but NEVER did I put any of my shit on anyone or anything else, and especially not the cops. Sorry, unable to empathize, but I can sympathize with what you are.

You’re a victim. Sociologists call it victimology, but cops just call you a five percenter. You see, 95 percent of the incidents cops handle are with five percent of the population. We know you by name, attitude, family, teeth or lack of, which specific trailer park you’re from, everything. Why? Because 95 percent of the time we’re dealing with you!

Yes, cops let people off—generally, that percentage of the population we deal with only five percent of the time. Why? Because they’ve learned their lesson. They look in the mirror and call themselves a fuck up. They will beat themselves up far more than the court system ever could. Believe it or not, there are people that get busted for DUI who stop drinking instead of drinking more.

Dear Cop,
What is up with cops driving slow on the freeway? A highway patrol cop was going 65 mph, which made the rest of us go 55 behind him, which made me late for work. A Sandy cop, or maybe a Salt Lake cop passed him, which made some other people (including myself) pass him as well.  Doesn’t he know what a problem he is? He was the dangerous one for going to slow. I swear to God, he was laughing at us when we drove by. Why can he just do that in the fast lane?  Who can I complain to about him to teach him a lesson?  How come some cops drive fast and some slow?  


Dear Motorist,
Straight up, cops going 65 mph on the freeway, in the fast lane, know you’re all going 55 and pissed off behind them. And they probably are laughing.
Ninety-five percent of traffic cops are good enforcers per their training, “Facilitate the traffic flow.” Their job is to make everything on the roadway run smoothly. Obviously, going 65 mph in the fast lane in a marked car isn’t facilitating shit—they’re impeding the traffic flow. Some cops are just dicks.

Why do some cops drive slow and some fast? Some might have a lead foot like you, and some might be responding to a call. Just because a cop doesn’t have his equipment going doesn’t mean he’s not trying to get to a serious call, fast. You’d be surprised how absolutely stupid some people become when they see the lights and hear the siren. At times it’s easier and safer to not use your equipment.

How do you complain about a dick cop? Every law enforcement agency has an internal affairs division. You’ll get the most bang for your tax buck if you complain in person. It’s usually the “victim” population who complains. Responsible people don’t generally complain. Where agencies screw up is when they fail to recognize the responsible complainer. That’s when they end up getting successfully sued. If the agency does nothing to satisfy you, your complaint can also be made to POST (Peace Officer Standards and Training).

Always with love,
Asshole COP
 

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Have a question for our cop? Email askacop@slugmag.com