Beer Bitches

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The Beer Store, located inside the Utah Brewer’s Cooperative (home of brewing efforts from Squatter’s Salt Lake Brewing Company and Wasatch’s Schirf Brewing Company) at 1763 South 300 West in Salt Lake City, has everything for the discerning local brew fan (Growlers to go, six-packs, T-shirts, paraphernalia, etc.) and a cool, knowledgeable staff— and yet you’re still buying Natty Light at Maverick? SLUG posed 10 questions to The Beer Store’s Babs Roberts, Cindi Patterson, Deb McGhee and Wayne (no last name required, apparently) to further illustrate the malty magic. Coincidentally, Babs and Cindi are SLC rock star wives, married to Adam Sherlock (White Hot Ferrari, Art of Kanly, Hammergun, etc.) and Andy Patterson (recording engineer/drummer about town, etc.; hasn’t someone made a wiki entry about Andy yet?), respectively.

Photo: Chris Swainston

SLUG: Do you prefer the title “Beer Wenches,” “Brew Babes,” or something less formal?

Babs Roberts: “Beer Bitches,” actually.
Deb McGhee: “Beer Information Specialists.”
Wayne: If you bring me a beer, I’ll just call you “Friend.”

SLUG: It’s tougher to brew a decent beer with less alcohol: True, false or irrelevant after 12?

Babs: Let’s change that to “fucking delicious” and I’ll tell you yes. Deb: True! That’s why our brewers rule! Cindi Patterson: True, but it’s even harder to brew fucking delicious, porchpounding, award-winning beers like we do. We like to call them “session beers.” Utah’s brewers are recognized as some of the best in the world because of the precise technical skills it takes to mathematically calculate pure balance of flavor and alcohol levels. Keep in mind that our 3.2, 4 y volume, isn’t much different than most international beers. Guinness draft is only 4.3 y volume.

SLUG: Why is a takeout jug called a “growler”? Shouldn’t it be a “pisser”?

Cindi: I like to call them “sweet jugs,” especially when filling them for the ladies. Good question, though: The term “growler” came from kids near the turn of the century, 1800s to 1900s. Children used to take metal buckets to the local bar and have the bartender fill them up with beer to take home for dad. When the kids put a lid on the bucket and walked home, the beer would slosh around and C02 would escape, making a “growling” noise. Hence, “growlers.”
Babs: You know, in England, “growler” is slang for “vagina.”
Deb: A “pisser’s” for pissin’!

SLUG: Which is most offensive to Mormons: Polygamy Porter, Evolution Amber Ale or Brigham’s Brew Root Beer?

Deb: Duh! Polygamy Porter gets their garments in a wad. I’m not sure they know what Evolution means—they’re from the planet Kolob, and they love their sodas! Root beer floats! Yum!
Babs: What about Provo Girl?
Cindi: The most offensive thing to Mormons is beer, period. Even though Brigham Young was a distiller, brewer and wine maker. If you show us your temple recommend, you get 10�ff the Brigham Brew Root Beer—it’s our tithing stimulus rebate.
Wayne: Evolution is a lie.

SLUG: Best beer movie ever: Beerfest, Strange Brew or Leaving Las Vegas?

Wayne: Leaving Las Vegas. Who wouldn’t like to get fucked to death? Babs: Strange Brew. By the way, there’s really no beer in Leaving Las Vegas.
Deb: Never seen any of them.
Cindi: Animal House.

SLUG: Which side of the long-standing gang war are you on: Dark stout or light lager?

Cindi: I’m an equal-opportunity beer drinker—I drink beer no matter what color it is. There’s no war, just uneducated drinkers.
Deb: Make beer, not bombs.
Babs: Hefeweizen!
Wayne: What color do you want you stool in the morning?

SLUG: How many beer samples can I have before you cut me off?

Cindi: None—it was made illegal in July 2007. But you can drink as much as you want at Andy and I’s Fourth of July party.
Babs: No drinking at the co-op. I’ll send you to one of our brew pubs and let them deal with you.

SLUG: I firmly believe that fruit doesn’t belong in beer or on pizza: Can you sway my opinion either way?

Wayne: The only time I have fruit is in beer or pizza.
Babs: I sell more apricot hefe to big biker dudes, and more stout to little housewives.
Cindi: Loads of people love it, therefore it’s valid. Fruit beer has been around since fermentation was discovered. Most people who have this snobbish attitude about fruit beer shouldn’t drink beer altogether. Snobs belong in the wine industry; beer is for fun. Deb: You’re a closet homo.

SLUG: Could you beat up a prissy wine snob in a fight?

Babs: We lift kegs all day—we have sweet guns.
Wayne: No, but I can drink them under the table.
Deb: I’m a lover, not a fighter. But snobs are boring, period.

SLUG: Is it difficult being rock star wives? Especially when they’re not really rock stars?

Cindi: It would be difficult if my man didn’t utterly rule me and the universe!
Babs: Good beer + good tunes = good times.
Wayne: No. I like getting fucked in the ass.

For more info: www.utahbeers.com