Dear Dickheads – March 2012

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Hey Dickheads,
I’m reading the latest copy (vol. 23, issue 278) of your fine publication, and I’m confused, and a little offended by a statement made by you “dickheads”. The statement “if you can buy a band’s shirt at JC Penney, that band sucks,” is a pretty dumb thing to publish. You were referring to Pink Floyd in this instance. I don’t know if you guys just aren’t musicians, or have down syndrome, but Pink Floyd deserves some respect from you hipsters. Without Floyd, we wouldn’t enjoy many bands who were influenced by their work. Included in your general statement must be Led Zeppelin, whose merchandise is available in so many locations that it’s ridiculous. Zeppelin changed Rock and Roll, and inspired countless musicians to start playing. So, before you guys spout off such a wildly general statement, you might want to think about the music nerds out there that may get pissed. Watch your shit!
Sincerely, Konner H.

Hey Konner,
Thanks for letting us know how confused and offended you were. If you’re not confused and/or offended at least twice an issue, we’re not doing our fucking jobs. We take extra pride that both happened to you by page six.

There are SLUG staffers who appreciate Pink Floyd, but that doesn’t mean we need to hold them high like the shiniest Ming vase on an ivory pedestal. Furthermore, just because a band “changed” music doesn’t mean their logo needs to be shamelessly slapped on thousands of XXXL T-shirts, then sold at $20 a pop, to be shoveled out the door with a pair of 52” khakis, which you’ll be wearing later at the KFC between rounds of Warhammer. I know, it must be awfully heart-breaking to reminisce about how you used to get high to Atom Heart Mother in your bungalow with the slut next door while watching “The Newlywed Game,” and now it’s the waiting room music at the doctor’s office before you get checked for another polyp sitting on your prostate.

Don’t think for a second it’s a generational thing, either. Like most fans, you probably hold Pink Floyd high for their “changes” in the ’70s. Well, U2 “revolutionized” music in the ’80s, Nirvana “redefined” rock in the ’90s, Radiohead “reshaped” the model in the ’00s and The Black Keys are currently being called “geniuses” in this decade. Does anyone really need to flaunt that with yet another black T-shirt they found sitting next to draperies and neckties at the mall?

Fuck no!

If anything, it’s a hipster move to fork over all that cash for a T-shirt that everyone else you know is already wearing or will wear after seeing you. Bands become legends by being original, but get rich by selling pricey merch to people who are unoriginal. So yeah, if you can buy a band’s T-shirt at JC Penny, that band sucks! And you’re an aging sheep for buying one.