Dear Dickheads – April 2012

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Hey Dickheads,
I barely see anything political in SLUG, and I wanna know what you guys think about the recent bills on sex education and abortion. I think it’s fucking pathetic that because the church and lawmakers can’t control what we do with our lives, they take it upon themselves to fuck with the laws and regulations we have to live by. Forcing teens to learn abstinence only doesn’t help, because they take away all the education they’d need about what happens if they decide to ignore it. And extending abortion waiting periods from 24 to 72 hours? Really? Do they really think women are just headed out to get abortions like it’s a daily chore, and they didn’t already spend time thinking it over before choosing that option? They need to tack another three days for women to agonize over it in hopes it will change their minds. All you ever hear from the right is that the left will make us a police state. Well Utah is practically dictated by the right, and we’re getting there one Eagle Forum written bill at a time. What do you guys think?

Hey Nancy,
Here’s the deal: Political reporting is not our job. Of course we’re gonna run a “political story” every now and then, but if you’re forming your political opinions based on information you’re getting from Jon Stewart, Bill Maher and SLUG Magazine, then you probably aren’t getting all the information you need. Whether you’re one of the idiots blowing up my Facebook feed with annoying Ron Paul bullshit (a rich old white guy running for president? How revolutionary!) or have a “Green is Good” bumper sticker plastered on your SUV, you probably aren’t as smart as you think. That said, the “abstinence only” education bill (which was vetoed by Governer Herbert, thankfully) was super fucking misguided. Kids are going to do stupid things, including having sex with one another, no matter what their bishop/congressman says. If they are taught about some non-stupid things, such as protecting themselves from STIs and how to prevent unleashing their horrible, horrible spawn upon the world, some of them are gonna listen and end the cycle of stupidity. But what the fuck do we know? Whether you’re Left or Right, you’re probably wrong. Political issues are much more complicated than either side would have you believe, and until you do your research and stop making knee-jerk reactions based on which side you think you’re supposed to fall on, you should probably get off your stupid fucking soapbox. And Nancy, please understand that when I say you’re stupid, I don’t mean that you personally are stupid, but that every person, ever, is stupid.