Dear Dickheads – November 2012

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Dear Dickheads,
I would just like to point out a tragedy that is befalling our youth and young adults these days, and that is the “swag movement”.  Skinny jeans have been around for awhile now, you probably used to make fun of the people that wore them until Lil’ Wayne started babbling and mumbling about them in his music.  All of your Obey box logo shit? Stupid.  Wear something interesting, be more than a mobile, brain-dead billboard.  Your endless supply of snapbacks? Not fresh. Outdated (Ice Cube did that shit first), and overdone.  And your shoes…fuck.  Oversized basketball shoes have never, ever looked good on anyone, especially all you scrawny, prepubsecent pricks. You don’t look cool. I hate you. Stop listening to Nicki Minaj and Big Sean and do something useful besides dancing in the middle of a store, or in front of the bank I’m trying to get into while you listen to your shitty music on your headphones. Some of us need to cash a paycheck so we can take care of rent, not all of us have the luxury of smoking weed and blasting Lil’ Wayne in their mother’s basement with our clone friends while we wait for the rave to start at The Complex everyday.  And for the love of God, please stop saying YOLO for fucking everything. You really do only live once, so you probably shouldn’t be a douchebag in the process. Oh, and for the record, The Strokes did YOLO first, so fuck Drake, and fuck you too.

With love,
#fuckswag

Dear #fuckswag,

You’re not helping your cause by signing your letter with a hashtag, hypocrite. SLUG Mag certainly shares your annoyance with all the albino frat kids with shags poaching Native American patterns on their sweaters and all the rave wieners. There will always be normative fashion trends in American consumer culture—that’s why counter-culture exists and is awesome. If you’re this irked by people dancing in public areas, I sure hope Daddy’s trust fund doesn’t ship you off to NYC for you to ride your fixie down the streets of Williamsburg and study film, ’cause there are people dancing in the streets EVERYWHERE, sucka. Get off your high horse and let these kids be young and stupid. I think you’ve been stuck in your head, sippin’ on your latte and listening to too much Fun. lately. Get out that angst in a mosh pit that your undoubtedly bourgeois upbringing deprived you of, and stop watching so many fucking Wes Anderson “films.” YOLO.

xoxo,
SLUG