Dear Dickheads

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Dear Dickheads,
I’m currently dating a local musician. I’ve always had a personal rule to stay away from them, but this one was too cute to resist. Since you guys seem to associate with them quite a bit as they’re all over this magazine, I was wondering if you might have some advice on how to avoid the usual things that come with a relationship with a “rock star,” ie: egos, touring, rabid fans, etc.
Yoko Nono

Dear Yoko Oh-No,
If it’s sympathy you want, you’re not getting it from us, sista. We’ve been in a serious relationship with local music since 1989, and it’s still going strong. Unless you live on a compound in Colorado City, you’ve probably seen the movie Spinal Tap … Well, we think you’re being a total Janine, and we don’t like it. You wanna be seen front row with this hottie musician of yours? You better respect his priorities: chords before whores. If you can’t handle the ups and downs of being a backstage babe, then go back to dating finance majors. We don’t want you breaking up one of our favorite local bands, anyway.