Dear Dickheads

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Dear Dickheads,
I’d like to comment on your column for last month’s Beautiful Godzilla. I find it kind of sad and pathetic that you’re so judgmental of cyclists whom you consider “granola.” I mean, you may not have had to duck and binge so hard if you just open up to different types of people and enjoy yourself in the company of somebody showing you something that might be new. And really, I’m sure that you would appreciate the air in the mountains as opposed to inhaling smog when you get on your bike. Even though SLUG stands for “Salt Lake” Underground, Salt Lake is still a part of Utah, and Utah has a lot to offer when it comes to experiencing the outdoors. Also, SLUG is supposed to be local-centric and anti-corporate. There’s nothing more local than our wild surroundings and disengaging from the constructs that society subjects us to. People who like to be outside and experience the beauties that our fair state has to offer shouldn’t necessarily be labeled as “granola,” either—there are plenty of people who commune with the earth whom I’m sure you’d call “granola,” like burners, who don’t even partake in activities that people do outside. And what’s so self-righteous about hiking or climbing a rock? Like … It’s just walking, but away from civilization. I will agree that you’re probably not an athlete, though—most urban cyclists are just a glorified set of calves.
Oh yeah, and stop killing trees, SLUG.
-A hiker against haterade

Dear Walt Whitman,
We get it. You asked Beautiful Godzilla out on a date, saw her glorified set of calves, and thought she’d make a great hiking partner. Now you’re writing in ‘cause she had a horrible time listening to you go on and on about how the “divine soil” is the only truth on this earth, won’t call you back and made fun of you in her column. Walt, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying the outdoors. Even B.G. likes the way the mountains look as a background in all her selfies.  There’s just a fine line between Nature appreciation and … well, what you’re all about. All this talk about “communing with the earth” … It’s a little creepy. So is your beard. You may want to consider getting a trim and toning down the erotica a bit so your next OKCupid date doesn’t think you’re a homeless serial killer. As for the killing trees jab, all we have to say is LEAVES OF FUCKING GRASS.
Take a hike, Walt.