Dear Dickheads

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Illustration: Robin Banks

Dear Dickheads,
How long does it take before Karma completely fucks over someone’s life? My landlord who deliberately limits the hot water heater so the tenants can only have lukewarm showers if their lucky; refuses to turn on the AC or Heat unless he’s home or entertaining guests; Goes around unplugging charging razors so they don’t drain any precious extra power…or charge; washes his huge dog in your shower then yells at you to clean the bathroom because of all the hair; tells any girl you bring over lies like he doesn’t wash his hands after taking a shit and you’re going to sleep with him?; and then leaves for 10 days with the washer and drier broken. Then when asked if and when the washing machine will be fixed he gives me a 30 day notice to leave, because I guess I should have been more considerate asking that question as it is obviously very rude to ask a landlord that kind of information. Oh and i forgot, he refuses to let us take his dog out so 9 times out of 10 the whole family room and hall are covered in shit and piss from a 180lb dog…that’s for about 5 hours, until he finally decides to come home and clean it up. Now I’m screwed over despite always paying on time or early and all he has to say is i should have been more considerate of his feelings when asking about the washing machine since he just got back from a trip and wants to wash clothes too. ….wtf??? is that even legal? Please God tell me he has his coming… Back to my question how long does it take for Karma to flip the situation around to where he gets a taste of his own medicine or a DUI for all the times he drives home drunk off his ass? Is there any legal forum I can make it clear how horrible a landlord he is and a case for landlord negligence/harassment?

[Later that evening …]

I’m sorry, I was way out of line writing that. I have something way more interesting and comical about the whole karma thing and not vengeful. I’m Buddhist and despite all the meditation and awkward chanting, anger still gets the best of me. Yeah, that dude deserves what’s coming but all that article would do is screw me over. Please don’t print that rant I sent about an hour ago. Like I said I can get you much better material.

Have a great day

Dear Have,

Is your landlord your father? Look, I know that you’re going through an awkward time in your life (adolescence is weird) and that dads can be assholes, but you need to buck up, sunshine. Do your chores, god dammit, and don’t talk back. Clean that poop up with a smile! Your dad is the man of this house, and someday, when you do something besides mow the lawn to live there, you might understand. Now go get your dad a beer and his Black Velvet.



Fax: 801.487.1359 • Mailing Address: Dear Dickheads c/o SLUG Mag • 351 Pierpont Ave. Ste. 4B SLC, UT 84101 or