If I had a penny... no really, If I had a penny for every time some drunk idiot came up to me saying shit like, “I used to have hair as long as yours, but I cut it off because it was too much of a pain, blah, blah, blah...” you get the picture? Or... If I had a penny for every uniform change that has hit these streets in the thirty years I’ve been playing music in this town, I would be Bill Gates’ neighbor on Puget Sound and not bothering you all with this rant. I was around when Uncle Shame, literally overnight, went from his King Diamond kick to a new Punker-than-thou uniform, that he bought at the original Raunch Records. The rest of the band followed suit, because it was the trendy thing to do once our little thrash metal band moved into the downtown scene. I was a metalhead who loved hardcore but hated trendy bullshit uniform modifications so, when I got sick and tired of the fake punker-than-thou bullshit, I walked. I wasn’t going to cut my hair, give-up and give-in, symbolically self-castrate, give up my ‘flag of hate’ for anyone or any goddamn scene. Guess who is still playing music here? Guess who went Mormon and is trying to get you to buy a car by placing an ad in Slug, claiming his own punk-rock authenticity as the reason why you should do so? The ‘scumbag gypsy kids’ (a phenomenon I have yet to encounter) are just another uniform choice for the bored and weary children of worker-ant plebes. The author is absolutely correct about the fact that 99.999% of them will turn in their trendy get-up for a corporate jack-ass monkey suit or a new set of Masonic cult ritual underwear before they reach 25. The point is this, some of us are just ‘who we are’ and some of us are just a collection of little pieces of everyone we think are in a cooler club than we are and dress so that the people we admire most will then like us better. I have always been the same since I refused to wear the zebra-print spandex that Uncle Shame was bringing to every gig for me to wear because I wouldn’t go buy my own (before he went “Punk” and then Mormon car dealer). I took a ton of shit from these punker-than-thou fuckers because I wouldn’t get a haircut (surrender my flag of hate) and paint stupid shit on my jacket (become a walking billboard for capitalism) or “go rockabilly” (try to suck off the aura of Elvis). It just wasn’t ‘me’ to do any of those things and it would have been stupid and silly. Really! Let me clarify. There are real punkers. There are real gypsies. There are real Rockin’billies. There are real long-haired meatal-head punkers without tattoos and skinny-jeans falling off their ass from all the chain-work pants ornamentation. And there are many many many more fake poser wannabe fashion statements running around trying to get popular on Facebook. Here’s to you, guy that used to have hair as long as mine! ..Some of us weren’t ‘just kidding’ to piss off our parents and get Brad at Raunch to like us and let us in the ‘cool kid’ club. We did and still do really hate this fucking Mormon-ass corporate butt-fuck bullshit that we have to live in! Really! Until next time... I’m going out to find a new hip uniform to “..fit right in with the people I admire most..” (-from David Yow/The Jesus Lizard.) Rock-on Dickheads!
Dear Cousin It,
While we appreciate (in theory) your positive response to our negative response to last month’s Gypsy-centric Dear Dickheads letter, we’re not as appreciative of the rambling, anti-Mormon, pro-hair format in which you’ve chosen to express yourself. There’s definitely something to be said about sticking to your guns and not compromising your morals, but no one wants to be a surly, creepy, hateful old dude complaining about a world that has passed him by but has somehow remained just as fucked up. I should admit that I didn’t read all of your letter (paying attention ain’t punk), but I think you should probably give the Mormons a break. Sure, I beleive in seperating Church and State and when State Legislators try to impose their conservative morals on me (like that fucking new smoking law), it chaps my hide! But, encouraging hate towards punkers-turned-mormon or just Mormons in general is bullshit. I understand that Uncle Shame tortured you for not wearing shitty fucking rocker pants (good decision, BTW) but big fucking deal. What SLC punker hasn’t been targetted by dickwads looking to start shit based on looks? Plain and simple, douch bags are douche bags regardless of their religion, race or fucking hair length. And for the record, some of our favorite people and even many members of the SLUG staff are just crazy for that Joseph Smith—probably because of his moderate yet rebellious hairstyle.