Dear Dickheads – February 2007

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Dear Dickheads, 
My roommate sucks. I am sure you, humble readers of SLUG, have had bad roommates before. I am not talking about the roommates that play drums in the middle of the night, have sex at 3am in the morning or that burps or belches inappropriately and to your great annoyance all the time. I am talking about the type of roommate who neglects the delicate balance of living with someone. Case in point: you leave the house for a minute and your roommate masturbates all over you computer and tells you your computer was overheating and started to melt even though you clearly know that he came all over it and was too lazy to clean it up. My roommate is THAT roommate. Previous to us being roommates he was cool but, come to find it out, he wasn't really that cool and I just didn't know him that well. What do I do about a roommate who is inconsiderate, annoying and worries too much about his girlfriend? Do I kick the shit out of him? Do I constantly nag him about his worrisome ways? 

Your faithful reader, 

Mortified Mortimer 


Dear Dickhead, 
Why not just move out of the house? Who is the bigger dickhead ... him for being a clueless asshole or you for not a) moving out of the house or b) telling him he is an asshole and trying to fix the problem yourself? Why the fuck do you need a magazine to tell you what to do? Why don't you grow some balls and talk to your roommate? Or, if those things don't work, start your own counterattack by belching in his face, wearing your underwear around the house leaving empty beer cans around and then start fucking his computer (and when he starts flipping out tell him everything's cool because your fucking his computer through a hole in the sheet, it's kosher!). While this may not solve anything, it will be a hilarious time for the Cops or a better letter to the editor! 

Dear Dickheads,
WTF dude! What is this hoighty toighty art fag bullshit? Who is Douglas Crimp and why should I care? I read the article and it was poorly written, all over the place and talked in "quotes" of "words" "like" "this" (a clear sign of academic wankery). Quite frankly it seems like it is just a moment for one art fag to wag his feathers in front of other art fags who in turn fag it up with this sort of nonsense. Whoever this Brian Kubarycz fag is and whatever he thinks he is, his article sucked and I would advise taking this kind of shit out of your magazine and focusing on something more important such as the national romance writers association conference (which would be more interesting). Instead of catering to one group of fags their faggotry, you should try to stomp out this dumb shit. Really, who cares about Hegel, he was just another white dude and quite honestly, this stuff is boring and irrelevant. 

--Douglas Brain Cramp

Dear Dickhead, 
We actually like fags and in honor of that, we will allow you and your letter to be the next fags in our issue. Check it - if art fags and their "irrelevant drivel" were as worthless as you say they are how come those same art fags have the hottest art fagettes and your left to write us a letter that seems as if you wrote it when you were fucking a hole in a bar of soap. Instead of bitching about something that you have no interest in, why not skip and do something more productive, like, let's say, kill yourself? Or at least make sure you or your ignorance doesn't breed. Either of those would be acceptable. Hope to receive your next letter from the white trash trailer park were your ideas came from.