Dear Dickheads – January 2010

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Dear Dickheads,
Nick Parker
Musings of a Dickhead
SLUG reviews
Street: 12.05
Nick Parker = Every shitty wanna-be “writer” you’ve ever read
At first read, Nick Parker’s writing is pretty generic. The sentences are boring, clichéd scraps of pretentious thoughts that don’t stand out and certainly don’t do much of anything for anyone. Certainly nothing to be too proud of. At first read, he is the perfect writer. There I said it. If I knew nothing about writing, I might mean it. The reviews he writes are retardedly juvenile and lack any literary talent beyond beginner-level teenage journal scribbles. If his writing is ever on the menu in a magazine you read, order out between courses. It’s full of mediocre, self-important musings and weak sentiments that were probably written by an eighth grade English student. His writing is so subtly complex that words probably won’t be invented for hundreds of years to even begin to describe the amount of layered thoughts and literary mastery provided to our minds in his insightful reflections. Wait, no. It’s actually the exact opposite.If this local-music hating dickhead would venture outside of his parent’s basement and listen to anything other than the cookie-cutter mainstream music he seems to prefer, he might just be able to pull his head out of his ass and capitalize on the fact that for some reason people publish his opinion. If Perez Hilton had a vagina instead of a cock worth more than Nick Parker’s pathetic, local music hating life.....well, this vagina would still be worth more than Nick Parker’s pathetic, local music hating life....
-anonymous (for now)

Dear disgruntled member of Until Further Notice,
If you’re attempting to stay “anonymous” it’s probably not the best idea to rip off Mr. Parker’s “generic and juvenile” style. Kudos for being creative though––most readers that are pissed about our local CD reviews just end up typing up letters in all caps with way too much punctuation. It’s nice to see a reader put some thought and effort into a letter. Maybe if you dudes stopped playing Nickelback and Chevelle inspired rock you’d stop getting compared to said cookie-cutter bands. Just a thought …

DEAR DICKHEADS,
YOUR REVIEW OF HOUR 13 SUCKED!!!! DID YOU REALLY EVEN LISTEN TO THEIR MUSIC...IT WAS LIKE READING A DEAR ABBY ARTICLE... TRYING TO BE ALL CUTZIE WERE YOU???AND THE REVIEW WAS IMMATURE AND VERY 8th GRADE.... YOU SHOULD COME TO THEIR LIQUID JOES SHOW WHERE THEY WILL BE HEADLINING ON DEC 31st NEW YEARS EVE AND THEN WRITE A STAGE REVIEW INSTEAD... THEY WERE INVITED TO HEADLINE BY ROYAL BLISS’ OWN TAYLOR RICHARDS FOR SAID SHOW....
BUT WHO AM I??? JUST SOME NOBODY PROMOTER THAT HAS WORKED WITH 28 LOCAL BANDS AND 2 NATIONAL AND ONE INTERNATIONAL ACT.... AND WHO’S UNCLE IS THE CFO AT CAPITAL RECORDS...
-SCOOP EINER

Dear Scoop,
Headlining New Year’s Eve with Royal Bliss eh? Hold onto your hats … the boys of Hour 13 are blowin’ up big. With all your connections maybe you can hook ‘em up with a record deal on Capitol. I’ve heard cougar slaying rock has quite a following these days.

Dear Dickheads,
First off let me say I’m glad u was able to go an make it thru a carnival. But now stepping into a lions cage 1.not being down with the clown. 2.wearing a charm round ur neck (that from what I read saved your ass twice) when ur not even a juggalo but posed as if you were your what we call a juffalo. Your outfit may have been a hit but you would have gotten more props being your self instead of painting up like u was one of us.you also said that u didn’t worrie bout having issues with all the security think about it tho us juggalos n juggalettes are family we live fight an destroy together if they wanted to u could have been life flighted out like the straight edgers that came to start shit at the tempest show. But also understand that the younger juggalos n lettes are a little more crazier then then the older generation so I don’t think that the seven or eight security gaurds could have gotten to u fast enuf. But I’m glad nothing happen to you at the show. An the juggalo loyalty is bigger an better then kiss an the greatful dead. How many bands do u know that is not mainstream that have a following like violent j n shaggy 2 dope where a lot of us have joker cards/juggalo/juggalette/dark lotas/hatchetman n girl or anyone from psychopathic tattood on them my guess is slim to none. An then the last thing just cause we live scrub life doesn’t mean we work at taco bell or fast food places don’t judge without knowing your facts I’ve been down with the clown since 1994 an I own my own business. An working on getting a to open up a hacthet gear store with faygo here in logan so the lettes an juggalos wouldn’t have to travle down to slc to get there gear so don’t judge us like u know us or even think u know. MCL..... WHOOP WHOOP. To all the juggalos an juggalettes

Dear MCL,
Since when did selling meth start counting as owning a business? Just curious.