Dear Dickheads – June 2005

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Dear Dickheads, I have heard a rumor that corporate stores around town, like Media Play, have threatened their employees with being fired if they are caught shopping at locally owned music storesApparently, these corporate pieces of shit have no qualms about sending their preppie-clothed, coffee-and-bagel-eating dumbshit “spies” into local stores. These “spies” come in with their little clipboards and totally bogus “I’m just seein’ whatcha got!” attitude, then leave in about one or two minute’s time, of course, with no CDs. These “undercover” idiots are about as inconspicuous as an undercover police car or George Bush “winning” the election again. I’m guessing they don’t even know who Slayer or Skinny Puppy are, let alone anything more recent. What this all comes down to is that these corporate stores fear! Fuck you, Media Play! You’ll never know real music—so send your spies, make your threats, and EAT SHIT!!! Fuck off and die now, please! Thank you! –Outraged Store Dictator

Dear Outraged Store Dictator,
The best line of your letter was “corporate stores fear.” They do fear, O.S.D. That’s important to remember as you face yet another bleak day of low sales, little appreciation and graffiti being sprayed on your windows after hours. Why are corporate stores threatened by small, independent businesses? Why do they even take the time of day to see you as competition? Because they know they’re walking a tightwire–they don’t have to worry about convincing dumb, unaware consumers to shop at their fluorescent-lighted, sterile stores–those people automatically will. What they’re really trying to go after are the smart, aware consumers–the ones who choose to shop at small, independent stores like yours for specialty items, to be around employees who know their shit, or moral reasons. They’re in competition with you because they have to work hard at fooling people, or at the very least, finding out your secrets and specialty items and knowledge and bringing it to their store. The one thing, though, they can’t fool those aware customers about is the fact that they don’t have a soul. They want to win over every single consumer out there, and that’s the one thing they can pretend to have, but they know that most aware consumers can see through. That’s why they’re threatened by you, Outraged. Be proud. 

 

Dear Dickheads,
I hate how you guys think your so cool and the shit and every one licks your boots and like your the king of Salt Lake or some shit like that. I hate your attitude you guys better get a chill pill and stop acting like such egomaniacs and thinking you rule this town because its not true I can tell u right now. –Better than that
Dear Better Than That,
Go fuck yourself and die.