Dear Dickheads – September 2009

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Dear Dickheads,
I started riding a fixed gear when I realized I couldn’t afford a car and was seduced by the movie “Fast Friday.” As it’s my main form of transportation, I want it to look good and represent my personality, so I’ve customized it with my favorite colors, which happen to be colors I also wear often. Needless to say, I get accused of using my bike as an accessory on a regular basis. The thing is, I absolutely can’t stand the kids that are buying custom bikes just to look cool at social events. The over-priced hipster mecca, Urban Outfitters, has made it even easier for trendy posers to make us true urban cyclists look bad. Now you can add a color customized fixie and $50 v-neck tees to your online shopping cart in just a few clicks on UO’s website. Don’t get me wrong, it’d be a dream come true if enough kids out there thought bikes were cool that we’d outnumber cars, but anyone that’s gonna spend $400 on one of these pieces of shit from a fucking clothing store isn’t going to be serious about riding it. I ride my bike every single day, through snow, rain and heat. Now I have to watch a bunch of Nylon reading trendsters prancing around Gallery Stroll with their color-fucked bikes in hand  like they own the bike scene. Let’s see them weave through traffic on the icy roads in the middle of a February blizzard. I’m betting their expensive “accessory” will be tucked away in the closet along with their gladiator sandals and high-waisted daisy dukes long before then. Where will I be? Shiverin and sweatin through track stands. All. Year. Round.
–Fixie Fake-ster Hater

Dear Fixie Fake-ster Hater,
The only thing trendier than Pitchfork-reading, v-neck wearing, facial hair growing, attention-whoring hipsters is hating on said hipsters. We both know once the first snow storm hits, these silly motherfuckers are gonna permanently park their newfound rides in their parents’ garage and latch onto neon snow shoes or some stupid shit. What we really need to address is how you think your bike “represents your personality.” Seriously? It’s a fucking bike. That’s like saying my broken-ass ’93 Chevy Astro I bought from my parents for 400 bucks is the physical manifestation of my soul. The real problem, Fixie Fake-ster Hater, is that you realize you’re not so special now that everybody has a “cool” bike like you. Why don’t you find another means of transportation that represents your personality? You can probably score a Razor scooter at the DI for dirt cheap, and nothing is more unique than a unicycle! In the meantime, get the fuck over yourself.

Dear Dickheads,
I wanted to talk to you about the club scene in Utah and the lack of support for independently run clubs.  I work at Bliss on Friday which is a big club night, Latin upstairs and I play hip hop in the lobby.  I also work for U92 which is also structured and formatted.  People support these big businesses although most people will attack big business for putting locals out of business. this oxymoron puts local clubs with an open format out of business.

I have a new Saturday at Club Orange which is at 533 South 500 West, it’s right off of the freeway at 6th South.  I have been doing this night for three or four months and I have had some parties that were busy and I have had some parties where me and my girlfriend were the only ones there.  Club Orange is run by Lance Edwards, he is an artist who has lived in New York, Chicago and LA and has been a part of the cycle as well.  He moved here years ago, now he is in his 50s to settle down and build a life.  He bought Club Orange when it came up on the market from the Jazz player who bought a warehouse and turned it into “Rib Alley.”

The real comparison between the two is the prices: $10 at the door for most big clubs and $10 Patron shots, $4-$5 Well drinks and $2 Drafts.  Also the freedom of the performance.  Underground shows and things that hold an artistic value won’t be seen in big clubs, big clubs do what makes money, independent clubs like Club Orange love the art.  We are starting to tell people to come visit the artistic side of town and come to Club Orange.
–Dj Dao (Day-O)

Dear Dao,
Here at SLUG we’re all about supporting all things independently run. We also dig cheap drinks and the absence of Chad’s buying $10 dollar shots of Patron. But as a small independently owned magazine (Fun Fact: Did you know the SLUG office consists of one big room) we’ve learned one thing––shameless self-promotion is key if you want to blow your shit up. Here are some tips to make the next night a rager.
1. Social network the shit out of your events––facebook invites and updates, tweeting and make sure to keep your myspace page updated.
2. Paint the town red with flyers to keep the night fresh in the public’s mind.
3. Squeeze in mention of your night at Orange in any conversation that you have.
4. Send your dates to
5. Buy an ad with SLUG Magazine––did you know that SLUG Mag gives local musicians a killer discount on ad rates?  Fuckin’ A, you know now.

Dao, if you try all of these options and still get a shitty turnout, maybe you’ve got a shitty Saturday night DJ set,

Dear Dickheads,
I was out to pizza at The Pie last night and I usually see the City Weekly and pick it up.  Right on to switching up and grabbing something new! I waited, however, to upen up SLUG until my strong 7AM cup of coffee with an out-of-state old friend. By noon, I had graced every page and had laughed out loud to the most resfreshing paper around. I had to write and give a big-ass thank you. I’m hooked! Nowhere else am I going to read asrticles that so easily use words like “douchebag,” “bullshit” and “dongs.” I look forward to picking up all issues from now on. Keep up the great work. I have been inspired to attend the crafts fair on the 8 of Aug. and drag my husband.  He is a closet artist and needs to be exposed. Thanks again!
–Shannon Quintana, Roy City, UT

Dear Shannon,
Roy City, Utah?  You people can call yourselves a city all you want to but we Salt Lakers know the REAL truth—Roy is nuthin’ but a podunk farm town turned suburban because farmland in the middle of nowhere is cheap.
We’re glad to know we’ve corrupted at least one of you inbred Roy-ites and hope our September issue meets the maximum quota of douchbagery, bullshit and dongs that you’ve come to expect from our fine publication. Keep reading and stay classy!

Dear Dickheads,
You’ve written the worst bad review of a good album I think I’ve ever read. Why not pass it on to someone who might appreciate it instead of childishly putting these hard-working kids down?
– Pete / Slovenly

Dear Pete,
When considering an album for review, we assign it to a writer we feel is best qualified to evaluate said release. While we do enjoy bashing major label material, it is never our intent to purposely rip on the independent dude. However, we have to stay true to our journalistic integrity and print our honest opinion. You wouldn’t want us to give those “hard-working kids” a good review just because we know you, now do you? Besides, any publicity is good publicity.