Dear Dickheads

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Dear Dickheads,
This is Erica writing you, handwriting you. I picked up SLUG last night at a club and I just wanna say that I <3 your publication! I’m traveling the U$A right now in a Greyhound taking the couch-surfing way. Had to make a stop to Salt Lake City because of the movie “SLC Punk” being one of my favorite movies. I am glad that I’ve came here. I got my first (and second, third, fourth and fifth) lay of the year, right here in Salt Lake City! Oh they were awesome! I’m happy. Well SLC, I shall cum again…
-Erica Chang

Hey Erica,
Glad to hear that you got some ass while visiting Salt Lake City. Although, since you were couch surfing, I can’t imagine that sex smelled so good. Couch surfing and traveling by Greyhound bus usually results in smells of sweaty ass (swass), stale cigs and day-old McDonald’s fries. Regardless of the state of your hygiene when these sexual encounters occurred, we are happy that you found us and even happier that you sent us a letter. Happy travels. Hope you found Salt Lake as exciting as the film that bears our city’s name.
xoxo,


SLUG Mag
Dear Dickheads,
I am writing you about your recent article ‘fuckin’ nuts for doughnuts’. While definitely entertaining I would like to inform you that there was some misleading information in your article regarding Beyond Glazed. They do NOT make anything fresh, that is unless you count defrosting frozen doughnuts as fresh. They get in frozen doughnuts in everyday and recook them; then they decorate them and try to pass them off as fresh but sadly they are not. While their toppings are inventive to say the least the product as a whole is lack luster at best. If you really want some good doughnuts really made from scratch you should check out Sugarbabies Donut Works at 2278 S Redwood, there you will find a good donut really worth writing an article about.
Signed,
-J. Patterson

Dear J. Patterson,
Thank you for the heads up regarding the “freshness” of the doughnuts at Beyond Glaze. If the information you’ve provided is accurate, we’re disappointed by the misleading information we received. Regardless of the “freshness” of their doughnuts, Mr. Woodcock enjoyed his experience there. If your accusations are correct, the doughnuts at Beyond Glaze are really no better than the nasty grocery store doughnuts, they’re just dressed up with better toppings—but as our reviewer clearly pointed out, the decadent doughnuts at Beyond Glaze are worth repeat visits. I have a sneaking suspicion that you are either a disgruntled former employee from Beyond Glaze or affiliated with this Sugarbabies Donut Works and a little butt-hurt that your shop wasn’t included in the coverage. If that is the case, we apologize. We’ll keep you in mind for future reviews.
xoxo,
SLUG Mag


Dear Dickheads,
Mike Brown. You, sir, are an idiot. You obviously have ears full of rodent excrement. Bluegrass is one of the truly original American art forms. It combines, country, jazz, blues, gospel, and even rock and roll to create a completely new and innovative music. With diversity of artists from Bill Monroe and Ralph Stanley traditional to progressives like Nickel Creek and Allison Brown, soaring vocals from Alison Krause and heart felt blues from Del MCoury, how could any one in their right minds or right ears think it sounds the same. Bluegrass has impacted every other American music genre including rock, country and the blues. If you don’t believe me just look at the effect that Bill Monroe had on the early pioneers of rock and country. Try and listen to the Robert Plant and Alison Krauss’ record and tell me that Bluegrass has no influence on real and fresh music. I go back to my original statement. You’re an idiot. In the words of Ricky Skaggs, Country make rock, but Bluegrass Rulessssssssss!
-Eric Collins


Dear Eric,
Glad to see you are unearthing some archives—Mike Brown wrote about his hatred of bluegrass over two years ago in our Jan. 2009 issue. If you weren’t aware, Mike Brown plays in a band called the Fucktards. The Fucktards are a group more well known for the wigs they wear on stage than the sloppy punk rock with lyrics focused on popping mother Mary’s cherry that they play. The editors at SLUG Magazine do not allow Mike to review CDs. Last time we tried to check something out to him he lost the disc. It’s probably still in his apartment somewhere. The point is, SLUG does not lend a page a month to Mr. Brown because we think his opinions are right. His opinions are (typically) funny. And if Feb.’s issue is any indication, the public thinks he’s funny too.
xoxo,
SLUG Mag