Mike Brown: Hover Boards

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Illustration: Ruckus Art

I was recently confronted outside a local tavern in the wee hours of the morning after a busy night of drinking. A man I had never met before accused me of writing some stuff that had upset some of his friends. The friends in question were legendary skateboarders Chris Senn and John Cardiel. I haven’t written about anything regarding skateboarding in damn near two years.

I was a bit baffled and engaged in drunken slurry convo with the confronter about what I could have possibly written that could upset two of my childhood idols. If anything, I was pumped those dudes would even read any shit I ever wrote. I’ve met most of my childhood skateboard heroes and most of the time I’ve been able to kook out and embarrass myself thoroughly—like the time I met Eric Koston and proceeded to talk shit on the Lakers.

Or the time I asked Duane Peters to go skateboarding with me after a U.S. Bombs show when he was so drunk he couldn’t talk or really stand up.  He did lift up his shirt to show me his Beer City tattoo, his sponsor at the time. Then there was the time I saw Brian Anderson in a San Francisco bar. I gave him a zine for free, and he came back up to me and gave me $2 because I put people who didn’t pay for my zines on The Leviathan fuck you list.

I was flattered at the thought of the legendary Cards reading something I wrote, whether or not it upset him. I would gladly let those guys punch me in the face repeatedly for not liking one of my articles. Obviously, I wanted to know exactly what it was I wrote, because to me, accusing me of pissing those guys off was a bold statement. The accuser didn’t really know. He said it was something about slappy grinds and then said that they wanted him to kick my ass.

It’s not the first time something I wrote pissed someone off. Just ask any of my ex-girlfriends. Zack and Brodie Hammers, who helped me coordinate SLUG’s skate content, caused quite a little flurry with their gossip columns and bold claims of Zack Hammers being the best underground skater in the world.

This whole incident outside of the bar made me want to write about skateboarding again—even though I’ve totally evolved into that guy that sits at the bar and says, “Dude, I used to skate.” So with the fear of being labeled a poser, I’d like to talk about some next level shit. That’s right friends—hover boarding!

After talking to Brodie and Zack Hammers, I really think that hover boarding is about to hit the nation harder than a razor-scooter-rollerblade-Tsunami. Here’s why: Zack and Brodie were recently having a Steven Spielberg movie marathon in their Magna penthouse and after finishing the Indiana Jones series, they finally made their way to Back to the Future II.

In case you haven’t seen BTTF2, it takes place in the future, which is now actually the past—the year 2005. [Editor’s Note: Back to the Future II actually takes place in 2015. Not 2005. There are still four more years until self-tying Nikes, self-drying jackets, mini pizzas and flying cars to become a reality.] When I watch this movie, I find it to be incredibly, emotionally painful. When I was a kid and saw the film, I just couldn’t wait for self-tying Nikes, jackets that talked and dried themselves, Jaws 17, miniature pizzas that took 10 seconds to cook and turned into giant pizzas, flying cars and most importantly and intriguing, motherfucking hover boards!

None of that shit has even happened. This technology should have been available like six goddamn years ago. [Editor’s Note: Mike Brown is not a math major.] Well, that is, with the exception of the hover board! Aside from being the world’s best skateboarder, Zack Hammers also has a PhD in electronical magnetic engineering, thus he possesses the skills to create the first legit hover board prototype.

When I asked Zack about his self-made hover board pro model, here’s what he had to say:  “Holy fucking Christ on a pogo stick! I can’t believe no one else in my distinguished field of electronical magnetic engineering has come up with this shit yet! I mean, we can send a guy to the goddamn moon, but we haven’t made hover boards or self-tying Nikes yet? Give me a break! I guess if you want something done right you just have to do it yourself.”

Hammers told me that the main reason he decided to create a hover board was to spite Spielberg. According to Hammers, in five years, no one will even ride normal skateboards. “This is the future son! Hover boards can go over water if jet propelled correctly, speed wobbles have been eliminated completely, and have you ever seen a graceful fakie 1040 flip? I was the only person in the world to do one on a traditional skateboard, but with the hover board almost anyone can perform these technical maneuvers with the ease and grace of Nancy Kerrigan,” he told me.

With the creation of the hover board, which Hammers expects to drop this summer, slappy grinds will cease to exist. “That trick made me famous, but I secretly despised it,” Hammers told me. Hover boards will be exclusively available this summer at every Blindside location across the valley.

Illustration: Ruckus Art