Mike Brown: My First Tattoo

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Mike Brown making a life-long dream come truedrilling a girl in public and making her bleed! Photo: Katie Panzer

The last time I wrote anything about tattoos, it created mild local controversy. I compared tribal tattoos and lower back tattoos to swastika tattoos by saying that whenever I see anyone with one of those three things, I know not to talk to that person. Surprisingly, the local Aryans were not the ones upset with this statement, but I’m not sure that white power kids are smart enough to read anyway—I’m sure that Mein Kampf is a book on tape these days.
Like all my articles, this article is about me. I’m very narcissistic. This one is not about receiving my first tattoo, but giving my first tattoo.

On July 15, Good Times was having their 11-year anniversary and celebrating by giving away $20 tattoos all day.

My friend Clint Marvin, who works at Good Times Tattoo, was nice enough to let me use his booth and drilling equipment to give out some really shitty tattoos to a couple of my friends. Aside from never holding a tattoo gun in my hands before, anyone who has read my zine and seen my comics knows what a terrible artist I am, although I am pretty good at drawing boobs.

The shop was swarming with young adults. Many, I’m guessing, had never gotten drilled before, but weren’t going to pass up a bargain in this tough economy. Initially, I wanted to drill one of these unsuspecting kids, and right after I would start making them bleed,  I would say, “By the way, I’ve never done this before … Good thing you signed that release form.” 

Instead of tattooing randoms all day, I ended up tattooing people I know. My buddy Jeff jumped at the chance to get a shitty tattoo, and so did one very impulsive SLUG photographer who was very easily Jedi mind-fucked into letting me put in some work.

Me and Jeff have a very colorful, up-and-down friendship. Last Halloween he got blackout drunk and took the longest pee in my kitchen I think I have ever seen a man take. I stood there helpless, watching as he pissed all over Jet Pack’s food in a drunken stupor. Even though he wanted me to tattoo him, I felt like this was a good opportunity to hurt my friend physically as well.

I made sure I didn’t eat anything all day and had an Americano with five espresso shots before we started—I wanted to be extra shaky. Jeff’s tattoo of choice was the letters “SLCK” which stands for “slack,” a literal definition of the word “slack” by slacking on even putting an “a” in the tattoo.

I was actually a little nervous at first. I had just watched Clint’s nine-year-old son Eli give a tattoo, and I knew that once again, I was about to get shown up by a child, bringing up the same feelings I get when I go to any skate park these days.
When I imagined blackout Jeff peeing all over my kitchen, I didn’t feel so bad. In fact, I felt motivated to physically hurt Jeff, then I realized why tattoo artists like their jobs.

If you like art and you like to hurt people, being a tattoo artist is the perfect job. If a client is being a dick, just hide a dick in his piece. How many jobs allow such freedom?  On top of that, stepping on the vibrating pedal made me feel like I was driving a car—a shitty little vibrating car that was crashing into Jeff’s ankle, ruining his skin for life. It was great.

I did Jeff’s tattoo the same way most girls like to masturbate: freehanded, with the right amount of pressure  and lots of vibrating. Jeff’s tattoo looked like complete shit and was therefore absolutely perfect.

Katie Panzer, loyal SLUG photographer, was there to document this historic event. Initially, she said that I could maybe tattoo my name on her butt, but seeing how my signature is in cursive, I didn’t feel ready for that step yet.

Instead, I talked her into letting me tattoo “SLUG MAG” across her ankles. Everyone loves an impulsive girl. I understand that the lower ankle is a fairly painful spot for tattoos, and Katie took it like a champ. I wonder how she’s gonna take it when her parents see her new SLUG Mag tattoo and leave her name out of their will. Oh well, not my problem.

Now there are three SLUG employees with SLUG tattoos. I wonder what it is going to take to get Jeanette and Angela to get one? I would be happy to do them for free.

Mike Brown making a life-long dream come truedrilling a girl in public and making her bleed! Photo: Katie Panzer