Initially, SLUG wanted me to fill this page up with a bunch of crap I probably should do differently with my life for 2015. I’ve opened myself up to SLUG readers with most of my bad habits over the years, but I know myself all too well: I am a creature of habit that despises change in any form. If I set New Year’s resolutions for myself, I’m just going to fail miserably and hurt my own feelings—and I’m a pretty sensitive guy when I’m sober. So, the only thing I’m changing in 2015 is my underwear.
That being said, I came up with some New Year’s resolutions that I would like to see from other people. I also made my resolutions super easy for these people to follow because, well, I have low expectations for humanity. That way, if humanity does anything great, I can get extra excited.
New Year’s Resolution for Cops: Quit killing black people. If you guys keep doing this, people are going to start getting more upset—and it doesn’t help me out when you kill ones named Mike Brown. I’m sure most of you are all right guys who don’t want to kill black people, but seriously, how is it that you guys didn’t kill the white guy who shot up the people watching The Dark Knight Rises two and a half years ago, or the white guy who shot the Arizona senator? You guys found the fucking Unabomber without killing him, for fuck’s sake. So how ’bout if someone is black and selling illegal cigs or stole a candy bar, you just don’t kill them? I don’t think I’m asking too much.
New Year’s Resolution for the Utah Jazz: Play some fucking defense (Derrick Favors excluded). We all know the team is going to suck this year and that we are rebuilding the franchise until you guys all get good enough to play anywhere but Utah, but in the meantime, can you guys at least play some D? Your D sucks D right now. Flail your arms a bit. Don’t be a pussy and take a charge, lose a bunch of games and then go home and fall asleep on your giant pile of money in between two hot, white strippers.
New Year’s Resolution for the Jiffy Lube on 677 E. 400 S.: Quit lying to customers—especially me. I’m not one to waste time on Yelp filing complaints about anyone in any service industry—that’s what this column is for. I understand shitty service: If your waiter’s dog died that morning and then he has to put up with your dumb ass, a little saltiness is understandable. But yeah, I waited four hours for an oil change and safety and emissions test, then they failed my car. Oh, and then some dipshit that works there lied to me, saying that all I had to do was bring my car back once it’s safe and they wouldn’t charge me for the oil change—lies, all lies. Jiffy Lube is the Comcast of the automotive world. That means they suck donkey dick.
New Year’s Resolution for the Federal Government: Legalize weed already. You guys might as well—it’s going to happen anyway. Well, maybe not in Utah, where prescription drugs take the cake, but I’ve never understood how something could be legal in a state but illegal in the country—doesn’t that still make puffin’ tough illegal? I read that in Colorado, all the weed stores are making butt-loads of cash, but since that’s still a no-no with the Feds—they can’t put their money in a bank. Imagine what their mattresses look like. Now it’s just a matter of time before some goons from the mob roll in and cut off their weens and take their money. What a bummer, man.
New Year’s Resolution for NFL Players: This year, don’t beat anyone up that is a girl. For the most part, I think football and football players are dumb, which is why I enjoy watching them beat the shit out of each other to the point where they spend the rest of their lives with crippling, suicidal injuries. I don’t like watching them beat up girls, though. That’s just rude. Even if the NFL and most of their fans don’t care too much if you beat up girls, there’re still a lot of people who do. So don’t do that, OK?
New Year’s Resolution for Mormons: Give women the priesthood. Come on! Remember when you wouldn’t give the priesthood to black people, but then God changed his mind in the ’70s and said it was OK? It’s kinda like that, and it’s a nice baby step toward accepting gay people, which I don’t expect that you guys will do this year. Besides, I went to priesthood meetings when I was a kid, and it was super boring. Once women see how boring being a priesthood holder is, then they probably won’t want to have it. So it’s kind of a win-win situation.
Overall, I don’t like telling people what to do, and I know I’m lumping a bunch of people together, but come on folks: Let’s make the world a better place.