Mike Brown: State of Salt Lake Predictions

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I was recently in Chicago visiting friends, drinking myself stupid just to stay warm and doing drugs I don’t normally do. Doing strange drugs in a city I haven’t been to before seems to be a reoccurring theme in my life lately. I think I’m gonna do a new drug in every new city I visit from here on out. Former SLUG employee Nate Martin, who now lives in the Windy City, (which is actually called the Windy City because of its infamously corrupt politics and not because it’s windy as fuck) told me how folks kind of hibernate there. He said that people instinctively couple up with someone to snuggle with for the bitter winters and once springtime gets sprung, everyone kind of goes a little crazy. Cheating on significant others and breaking up and out of winter relationships is a common theme there. I was left wondering if this happens in Salt Lake and what can be expected this spring?
Illustration: Snuggs

Oh, what an interesting and convenient little bubble we live in here in Salt Lake City. I haven’t really noticed if this springtime breakup phenomenon is just isolated to places colder than here, but I’m keeping my eye on it. That’s my first prediction: the local breakup ratio will skyrocket by 60 percent this month, thus kick-starting my theory that you don’t date in this city - you wait your turn. March will be the perfect month to snag a rebound. Our dating scene will remain like a bakery where you take your number and wait for your bread, but bread you can fuck.

March is such a bullshit month in my opinion. Nothing other than St. Patty’s Day happens, and what a stupid holiday that is - drinking green beer to celebrate potatoes or some shit like that. Prediction number two: The national recession will force more green beer down more sad throats to deal with losing their 401Ks, creating a 20 percent increase in green puke I will have to clean up at the bar where I work. Anyway, March comes in like a sheep and out like a lion, which is just another way of saying the weather will be making a fabulous transition from winter to spring. Snow will melt, revealing massive amounts of dog shit and cigarette butts that have been cocooned by a soft, white winter blanket - and things will start to change.

This means more outside activities. Kids will start trading in their snowboards for fixed gears and fresh new American Apparel v-necks to match. I don’t see this fixed gear trend going away any time soon, so my next prediction is that the local BFC bike crew will finally be challenged by another bike crew, but it won’t just be another set of fixie fucks. I have sources that tell me there is gonna be a beach cruiser bike crew called the SFBLH, which stands for Slow Fat Bike-Lane Hoggers. They will have their own set of bike sprints at the exact same times as the Salt City Sprints.

The SFBLH will have their own set of competitions much like the sprints. Whoever can fit the most craft store materials in their baskets and ring their cute little bell at the most old ladies, wins a new spoke card. They will also have a marathon ride going as slow as possible to a smelly brine shrimp beach on the outskirts of the Great Salt Lake just to validate that they are hardcore beach cruisers. As far as local music trends go this spring, I predict that things will stay pretty much the same. Every local band I think the whole world should hear will continue to fester in local bars, and every band I think no one should hear (unless they deserve to be tortured) will get the attention of major labels. I’m gonna leave band names out of this one, I get enough shit as it is for music I don’t like. Speaking of music, I’m also predicting that the local Salt Lake Juggalo community will start their own missionary program to try to recruit new members for their church and backyard wrestling events. You can never go wrong with strength in numbers. I would be much more entertained by two dark clowns knocking on my door than two dark suits. I don’t think I’d make it past the first discussion though. I should also predict how the new SLUG office is gonna turn out. It will be located right by Trails Strip Club, so we can make an easy prediction about where I will be spending most of my lunch break. I can also easily predict that my SLUG commissions will be coming in the form of one dollar bills stacks instead of the usual round of Burt’s Tiki Lounge bucks or Este Pizza coupons.

Since the new office will be in a house, we will have less than adequate living quarters for all new interns, keeping them chained upstairs twenty four hours a day, getting me and Jeanette coffee whenever we want. I think keeping interns at the SLUG house should help lower the high turn-over volunteer rate for different events and what-not.

These predictions may seem trite and shabby, so I humbly encourage you to email me your own predictions for the upcoming spring.