Every Thanksgiving, as I begrudgingly sit through another family get-together, jonesing for a beer and struggling to find an appropriate topic I can talk to my Mormon family about (I can’t exactly tell them how the last Fucktards show went), a little unofficial tradition unfolds. Usually, my dad starts it, and I’m sure a lot of families do it. My dad starts off by saying something like, “Alright, we are going to go around the table and each say one thing we are thankful for and why.”
My brain instantly starts fishing for something family-friendly that I’m thankful for and it nearly implodes. I always find it a little ironic, being an over-privileged white male living in the most gluttonous and wasteful country in the world, to take a day to celebrate what I’m thankful for—all while sitting in my dad’s gigantic living room, wasting enough food to make us royalty in Somalia.
This leads me to share with you readers some of the things in my life that I am truly thankful for: things that I can’t necessarily share at the dinner table, but that make my already awesome life more awesomer. So often, my articles are baptized in negativity—I want this article to be happy and positive, like a baby panda. Kind of the opposite of the “Fuck You” list that my zine, The Leviathan, has made famous. Let’s get started!
Boobs: I am very grateful for and humbled by boobs. I am thankful that I can go to the Internet any time, day or night, and see some. I enjoy the warmth and comfort that seeing a nice rack provides for my life. Boobs sometimes seem to be an extension of a girl’s personality, and can even take on a life and reputation of their own. I am thankful for that.
My Cat, Jet Pack: Pretty much everyone knows how much I love my cat, Jet Pack—even though the little fucker cost me $162 this week in vet bills for injuries he suffered in a street fight defending my honor. Overall, it’s a small price to pay for letting him shit outside and not having to own a litter box. I can maintain my crazy cat-lady status without the crazy cat-lady smell, and I am thankful for that.
My Mannequin Collection: Ever since my roommate/maid/non-homosexual life partner, Mike Abu moved back East, I’ve needed something to fill the void of human contact in my non-working life, without all the bullshit a real human brings. Slowly but surely, I’ve built up a small but attractive set of mannequins and random mannequin arms, legs and heads. They bring a unique ambiance to my apartment, keep burglars away because robbers think someone is always home, and I can put one on my balcony if needed as a scarecrow for sluts. I call that one a “slut-crow.” I secretly hope that I can somehow bring them to life like that crappy ’80s movie and have wild mannequin orgies, or some unrealistically skinny girls to play Scrabble with.
Tomatoes: After the last Mike Brown Fest where I sold tomatoes for people to throw at the Fucktards, I am very thankful for this vegetable. Or is it technically a fruit? Either way, I don’t care. I made more money off of tomatoes that night than I did selling merch or on the door cover, and for that I am grateful. The only other person who probably loves tomatoes more than I do right now is my friend Circus Brown. He grows just about every type of tomato imaginable, and has a passion for the fruit that is unmatched. It reminds me of how Bubba felt about shrimp.
Not Having a Girlfriend Right Now: I am extremely thankful that, going into this holiday season, I do not have a girlfriend or significant other. This means I can focus my spending habits and free time on me. There will be no one I need to buy gifts for or take out, and no one to yell at me for playing my Xbox all day and getting drunk in my underwear while the weather is nice outside. It just means more Mike-time this holiday season, and Mike-time trumps
Drunken Snowboard Runs: This is truly one of my favorite things this time of year. I’m too old and uninsured to hit jumps and rails on my snowboard, so now when I ride, my routine is simple. Get to Brighton at around 11 or 12, take three runs, then head to Molly’s Bar. Pound two beers and two shots of Beam and hit the lifts again with a whiskey-warm belly and loosened limbs for some easy, breezy runs until I feel like going the fuck home. Hopefully I won’t have a girlfriend who wants me to show her how to snowboard. I have no patience for that, and teaching a girl to ride ruins relationships. I’ve seen it happen a lot. But yeah, I am very thankful for drunken snowboarding.
These are just a few things that make my life awesomer than yours. There are more things I am thankful for, little things like the perfect wipe after a large dump and such. This holiday season, I hope you all take time to reflect upon what you are thankful for, and remember that the world will end soon and we will all die anyway, so it doesn’t really matter.