Princess Kennedy goes up to bat for the Pride Softball League's Family Night on July 30 at the Spring Mobile Ballpark. Photo: Patiri Photography
I was raised with four older brothers. As you can imagine, sports were important … to them. I had one brother who was sports obsessed. You know the one: captain of everything. Once at age four, we watched him pole vault himself into impalement. Somehow, the pole missed every vital organ, but at the emergency room as we watched the doctor reach up his new anus and pull tar from his back, I was put off sports (and fisting) forever!
By the time I was old enough to voice my desire to play the piano and be a ballerina, my brothers decided it was time to get me interested in athletics. First, I was put into little league, but I was more interested in that chalky ballpark candy that goes on like lipstick. Once, in left field while re-applying, I was knocked in the side of the head with the ball. I swear to this day that when I get sleepy or fucked up, my left eye goes lazy because of it. At age 10, it was soccer. A week after being enrolled, my mother thought that I would look adorable with a perm, which earned me the nickname Faggy Locks. I broke both of my middle fingers at the same time in volleyball—ask me to show you the fucked up thing they do when I bend them. The worst thing ever to happen was the summer I turned 13, when I went from being 5’6” to 6 feet tall. This is when it was decided I was going to be a basketball star. Thank God that in tenth grade I got fouled, knocked into the bleachers and both of my kneecaps cracked. I was never forced to play sports again.
I don’t hate all sports, just the ones douchebags play. I have been waterskiing since I was three. I love water sports—no, not being peed on—I just look really great in a bikini behind a boat, and I can even do all sorts of tricks. I dated a Burton pro in the ’90s who taught me how to snowboard. I got really good, but after seeing a friend snap an upper arm in half, I realized that since I’m too cheap to pay for health care, an injury like that could put an end to my hair burning and writing careers. Since then, that has been my excuse to never have to play or do any kind of physical activity outside of a gym.
When I first moved here, I had a fuck buddy who was on the U of U football team, on the DL of course, so I was really surprised to hear about all these sports pros who have been coming out of the closet—28 in the past year! I don’t get it. See, when I think of gays and sports, I think of that fucked up Mormon group, Evergreen, that “turns homos straight.” Seems that their big secret is that they will not only pray the fag out of you, but also straight-ify you through baseball. What dumb-asses!
As it turns out, in SLC we have something called the Salt Lake City Gay Athletic Association, aka SLCGAA. We actually have enough queers in town to fill a volleyball team, basketball team, swim team, kickball team, football team and are currently looking to put together a soccer team. It comes as no surprise to me that the biggest of all the teams in SLC is softball. Started in 1995, the Pride Softball League has grown to 16 teams who play at Sunnyside Park every Sunday with an impressive 10 games a day.
Even though I don’t want to have a conversation with a jock, I can at least go and support the ones in my community. I love how sporty gays are so proactive in getting the rest of the community together. Did you know that the Blackhawks, whom I think is a hockey team (or maybe curling) in a city which may or may not be Chicago, marched with the gay hockey/curling team in their Pride Parade?
On July 30, the Pride Softball League is teaming up with X96 to bring you “Family Night” (by family they mean gay) at the Bees stadium. The $20 ticket gets you prime seats, a lot of food in a VIP pavilion and GIFT BAGS! This is your opportunity to come get your face all up in gay athletic supporters and celebrate the fact that since the wicked witch (Larry H. Miller) is dead, we can even do such wonderful things. I, for one, plan on coming out and catching a raging case of GayBees myself.
For more info, visit prideleague.com.