Princess Kennedy: You’re So Busted

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Princess Kennedy (center) and her cohorts, Bill Watts (left) and Gorgeous Jared Gomez (right), make a classy cameo in their own version of Busted Magazine. Photo: Michelle Emerson

I often find myself wondering if any of my neighbors or friends are convicted felons, rapists, druggies and/or thieves—actually, I already know the druggies. If only there was some publication that could tell me that I hadn’t heard from Dick or Jane because they were arrested for public intox … If I had children, I would want to know if Mr. Doe, their teacher, was arrested for aggravated sexual abuse of a child. My God, it’s our lucky day, because there is such a magazine and you can find it for only a buck at over 200 locations from Provo to Ogden!

Busted Magazine is what I like to think of as the obituaries of our generation. “Look Henry, Shawn’s been arrested for dealing harmful materials to a minor. Such a shame, he was so young.” Busted was started two years ago by Ryan Chief in his home state of Florida as a result of morbid fascination and a way to help the community, although this tranny fails to see how it does that. All I care about is getting it every week to see who I know and what fucked up things people do. Chief says he gets threats all the time and people are upset that they are being exposed. He retorts, “Don’t do stupid shit and get arrested—it’s all public record.”

Distributed in about 12 cities across America, I was disappointed to find that it is not available in LA, NY or LV. Therefore, there is no collectors’ edition due to the latest Hollywood douchebaggery. Oh Paris, you keep it zipped in the inner pocket of the purse you stupid cunt. It is also a good way to find out how fucked up our legal system is. There are mug shots of bright-eyed 18-year-olds arrested for paraphernalia next to a guy that sodomized a chicken, and they are probably in the same cell. Welcome to your new life in the system. Hope it goes well for you.
I searched out actual Busted catalog models and have a few stories to share with you. I think you’ll find the scenes behind the pages even more fascinating.

My friend Steven Bell came over to my house with a Busted proclaiming, “Holy shit! I know this girl. I went to high school with her sister!” I had to know, so I made him call her to spill the beans on her kin. I was not surprised to find out the lovely model who looked to weigh about 200 pounds was the head make-up counter girl at Fashion Place Mall’s Clinique counter, which would explain why I thought she was a Juggalette.

It seems our heavily made-up fatty was busted altering her time card on camera. Of course, she was let go immediately. Our beauty with no brains decided to ‘show them’ and took a purse from the break room, emptied it in her car, brought it back and repeated the crime three times before the brilliant make-up queen realized that she was being filmed again. DOH! I hate it when I’m that stupid. She didn’t return the last purse, went on the lam and added evading arrest to her glamorous robbery charge. Ugly, fat and stupid—how sad. I hate thieves!

I was also able to actually track down a Busted Magazine cover model and find out what it was like to grace the cover of such a prestigious publication. I wanted to get the skinny on the shoot, discover what the other models were like and find out what kind of opportunities it has opened up since he graced the cover. SLC, meet Jason Bassett.
Jason said he got the cover on dumb luck and persistence. Apparently he’s tried multiple times and with hard work comes success. “I peed a little,” the model tells me when he spotted the issue at the Maverik. When he just happened to see his mug gracing the cover, he squealed, “This is me!”
He tells me the whole shoot was a total blur, “The other models were very competitive and a little aggro, so I’ll admit I was a little afraid of them,” Bassett says. “The whole procedure was so formal and impersonal I felt sick.” I think it was due to the fact that he drank his dinner, like a pro. “They dressed me in the most beautiful tangerine jumpsuit with matching shoes—I’ll never forget the way they brought out my green eyes.” Bassett says that his eyes are his best feature.

“After a quick trip to have my fingertips painted black, I was off to the shoot with the most grumpy photographer, but what an artist with a definite vision,” Bassett says. Bassett wanted to say that without his agent, Jack Daniels, none of this would be possible. He also promises that while he’s working his path of being a cover model, he will stay true to himself and his fans, just as Justin Timberlake did when he left the Mickey Mouse Club. With that kind of grace and wit, I have no doubts we’ll soon see him smeyesing his way onto America’s Next Top Most Wanted.
In this season of giving thanks, I’d like to say that I’m glad the only mug shot of mine is fake—fingers crossed—and the only mag you’ll find it in is SLUG. Thanks for an amazing two years, guys.

Princess Kennedy (center) and her cohorts, Bill Watts (left) and Gorgeous Jared Gomez (right), make a classy cameo in their own version of Busted Magazine. Photo: Michelle Emerson