Random Thoughts From Mike Brown

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This month has been kind of boring. I went to the Mountain Dew Tour to interview Bob Burnquist and to try to find Ryan Sheckler to make him cry. But it should have been called the Bob Boring-quist Interview at the Mountain Dew Bore. It was so lame. Sure that guy can do the loop switch, but he was a terrible interview subject. If you really wanna know what he's about just pick up any other shitty local media publication and there you go. X-streeeme sports have officially become X-streemly dull, kind of like a butter knife factory.

Mike Brown and Bob Burnquist, shootin' the shit.
Photo: Adam Dorobiala

So without anything else to write about I thought I'd share a bunch of random shit that's been going through my brain today. No particular order or reason, but this is just some shit I've been thinking about lately.

Have you ever been ambushed by the Planned Parenthood people at a show? They will show up at different bars from time to time and do everything short of putting a condom on your dick for you in order to stop babies and diseases. God bless them. But the last time they tried to ambush me with a Ziploc baggy full of baby blockers I just said to the girl, "Oh, no thanks, I don't need those. I've had a vasectomy." Boy did she get upset. She obviously didn't get my sarcasm, but I took the condom kit anyway. Then I got to thinking, the faster AIDS spreads, the faster they might find a cure. I wanted to tell her this, but she looked busy. I really didn't want the condoms. It just reminded me of how much I'm not getting laid these days and she had just inadvertently reminded me. Jerk.

The SLUG editor taught me a new strategy when a bum is about to ask you for a dollar. Ask them first, it really throws them off their game. This might seem cruel, but it's not. After thinking about it for a bit I realized that I'm broke, and in debt and that I have no health insurance. So I totally need a dollar. And who better to ask than a bum? I know he has a dollar because I just saw someone else give him one. I'm gonna make more zines with mine and he's just gonna buy drugs ... who would you rather give a dollar? Here's my pay pal account: HYPERLINK "mailto:mgb90210@ gmail.com" mgb90210@gmail.com you can e-mail me a dollar.

I started working the door at the local venue with all the coolest shows and it's amazing how many friends I gain when a good show is in town. I'm getting texts from people I don't hear from until their favorite band is playing. Come on people, come hang out with me during Talk Tween Tunes on Sunday nights, that is actually the funnest night there, prove your friendship on a Sunday and I might actually let you in on a Friday, but none of this fair-weather-friend type shit, you are just like the Jazz fans that only like the team when they make the play offs, and yes I am using my position at SLUG to call you out. You know who you are.

Speaking of the Jazz, I've come up with a good way to measure how much someone actually likes the team, and basketball in general. Being a true Jazz fan isn't necessarily about how much you like the Jazz, it's more about how much you hate the Lakers and Manu Ginobili.

Since the Juggalo article came out I've received a small amount of Juggalo merchandise from some friends thinking that I'm in to it. Although I have nothing personal against Juggalos, I feel I need to let it be known that any Juggalo merch I receive is going on ebay. Fair warning. Vintage Jazz merch goes in my personal collection.

I totally won an Artie this month from the City Weekly for the Leviathan #9. I was actually pretty hyped on that, I've never won an award for anything I've written before. I got to go to an Artie party and drink free booze and pick up my award. When I asked for my award they said that they broke it. I told them that it was OK and almost more fitting for the Leviathan to have a broken award. Then they told me that they didn't actually have it and that I'd have to pick it up from the City Weekly office later. So I ended up stealing a bottle of wine (on a dare of course) and the bottle got broken later that night at the party. I didn't break the bottle. I'm not gonna say who did break the bottle I stole because I think she works for the City Weekly. But I had fun regardless and consider me and the City Weekly even/steven, you break my award, I break your booze.

My buddy Stu just got me ripped. I love righting stoned. Wait ... writing. Thanks Stu!

Salt Lake County just passed an ordinance that has banned back yard mini ramps. So now all these people I know that are lucky (or rich) enough to have a back yard ramp want me to sign some stupid petition to try to fight this futility. Which is funny to me, some of the emails I got were from people who never ever gave me permission to skate their ramp. So I guess I'm supposed to sign a petition to not skate in someone else's back yard? Got it.

Just got the new updated SLUG writer's bible, which tells us not to plagiarize, how to spell gooder and what words and phrases not to use. Here's a whole paragraph made up of words and phrases I'm not supposed to use: Back to the drawing board, with my execution-style closure. Chock full of dire straits. This poster boy of predawn darkness sent shockwaves when he squared off into whatever has become the general consensus. Until next month ...