Mike Brown Gets All Twiztid

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Mike Brown givin some Juggalo love. Photo: Jesse Anderson

I’m sitting here on my balcony on this beautiful spring day, writing this shitty column while drinking a Natural Light (because I won’t drink Pabst in public, but we will talk more about hipster beer in next month’s beer issue), wishing I still smoked Parliament lights (again a favorite of hipster coke heads) and thinking about Miracles. 

Well, not actual miracles, like the Jazz winning the title this year or some of that cool shit Jesus used to do, but the new Insane Clown Posse smash YouTube hit, “Miracles.” I never believed in miracles until I saw the new ICP video called “Miracles.”  It’s a miracle I was able to watch the whole video more than once without slitting my own wrists vertically, (which is the correct way to cut an artery, for all you teenage suicidal types). 

After having this video posted to my Facebook wall three times by three different people, I’ve decided that this is the last time I write about Juggalos for a while.  Sorry folks, but after attending the Twiztid show, I think the clowns are finally on to me.  I know it’s not the same caliber of journalism as a reporter covering the war first hand, dodging bullets while taking notes.  But I once again ventured into the eye of the Juggalo hurricane with nothing but a metaphorical umbrella and matching pink galoshes.

Let me start by explaining to our readers who Twiztid is and their relationship to ICP and the Juggalo family.  It’s another rap band, much like ICP who paint up their faces before they go on stage.  They are on ICP’s record label, Psychopathic Records.  And sometimes they team up with ICP to form a super group called The Dark Lotus.  I think there might be another Juggalo group in The Dark Lotus, but the music is so bad I’m not gonna fact check it right now.  If a Juggalo wants to correct me, I shall take no offense. 

But the easiest way to explain the Twiztid/Juggalo connection is to use a group equally hated by society (or at least just me) called Hippies.  ICP is to Juggalos as the Grateful Dead is to Hippies.  And Twiztid is to Juggalos as Phish is to Hippies.  Does that make sense?  Now that I think about it, I probably personally hate hippies more than Juggalos.  I even got a tattoo a couple months ago on my leg of a Jerry Bear shoving a bong through Jerry Garcia’s face.

In my travels amongst the Ninja wasteland, I have come across several Juggalos who don’t like ICP at all, but instead are enamored with Twiztid.  It seems like these black sheep amongst black sheep (which might make them white sheep all over again) feel that ICP has maybe lost its edge.  Going from a song called “Fuck the World” to a song called “Miracles” backs this up a little bit in my mind.  By the way, best line in the song?  “Earth, Wind, Fire, Dirt.  Fucking magnets, how do they work?”

But yeah, I talked to a Juggalo one day who just told me he thought that ICP was on some “New-age pussy-ass candy shit.”  But I still feel that’s a matter of opinion for any Juggalo.  I asked him if that meant he wasn’t a part of the Juggalo family and he was like, “No, I like Twiztid.” Too bad I couldn’t ask Twiztid how they felt about this, due to the phone interview falling through. 

But the feeling I got was that Twiztid was a bit more hard core.  There was no Faygo being sprayed at the show.  I don’t know if that was per In The Venue management or if Twiztid isn’t down with massive tooth decay.  There sure were a lot of empty Faygo bottles sprawled across 200 South and 500 West.  I even ran into some police officers who were kind enough to take a picture with me while they were arresting one unfortunate ninja who was begging them not to call his parents.

I told the cops about the research I’ve done on the clowns and he asked me what a Juggalo’s drug of choice was.  I pointed to an empty Faygo bottle on the ground and said, “Soda pop, and really shitty weed.” 

Now, as any of you know, I attended the ICP show at Saltair dressed as a happy clown, and not a scary one.  So I decided to dress up for the Twiztid show.  But in the spirit of healthy journalism, I wanted to push the envelope of what is and isn’t acceptable in Juggalo culture.  So I decided to go in half drag.

Not to offend any of my gay buddies, but yeah, I dressed up like a fruit.  Pink tights under my bootie shorts, a belly shirt with a unicorn on it, eyeliner, and I topped it off with a spray tan that had sparkles in it.  I figured if Juggalos and Juggalettes can wear makeup to these things, then why can’t I?

The whole social experiment sounded funny in theory, but then the closer I got to the venue the more freaked out I got.  Once we got inside I started to think that maybe, just maybe I had made a mistake and started thinking of ways to talk to Juggalos about my wardrobe malfunction. 

I don’t know if it was the booze or the steel toe Doc Martins I was wearing, but I finally decided that I was being a pussy and fuck it, I’m getting drunk at the Twiztid show dressed up just fabulous.  Besides, I was probably safer in my outfit there than I would have been at a Shania Twain concert or a BYU football game for that matter. 

Juggalos were either staring at me like the sore thumb that I was or they were blatantly ignoring me, probably thinking that if they didn’t acknowledge me, I’d just go away.  While we were on the balcony of the venue, one Ninja did say to my camera man Jesse, “Hey!  Get your girlfriend out of my sight or she’s going over the fucking rail!”  I replied by asking if he would pose for a picture with me.  Needless to say, he declined.

But overall, nothing really happened and I left the Twiztid show unscathed.  As for reviewing the music?  I tried not to pay too much attention to it.  They had, like, this horror show thing going on on the stage but if I were Stevie Wonder I wouldn’t have been able to tell the difference between them and ICP or any other Juggalo band for that matter. 

Some of the similarities between the Twiztid show and the ICP show would have to be:  Juggalettes are still, for the most part, fat with small boobs but still want to show them to a camera anyway, despite the fact we never asked. The age demographic is surprisingly large, ranging from young teens who hate their parents and living in a trailer park to fat old guys in their forties who hate working at 7-11 and Taco Bell and hate living in a trailer park.  And the constant chant of “Family,” but they say it like this, “FAM-ILL-EE! FAM-ILL-EE!” any time it gets a bit too quiet.

Overall the Twiztid show was a unique experience, in the mean time, I’m gonna figure out how fucking magnets work and explain it to all the Juggalos I know.

Mike Brown givin some Juggalo love. Photo: Jesse Anderson Mike Brown and the po-lice at the Twiztid show. Photo: Jesse Anderson