Round Table Riot: Molly Morbids vs. Ladies of the Lake @ The Hive 03.22

Posted March 25, 2014 in
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Molly Morbids vs. Ladies of the Lake. Photo: Cody Hoagland

On Saturday, March 22, the Molly Morbids played the Ladies of the Lake at the Hive in Spanish Fork. If you’re accustomed to warehouse-type roller derby venues, the Hive can be hard to find. You’ll find it if you look for an old Food For Less—now decked out as a total paradise for derby-lovers. The Hive has a concessions stand, plenty of seating, and even helpful signs which explain referee signals. As you walk in, the Happy Valley Derby Darlins give spectators a handy flyer which features an explanation about the rules of derby as well as the roster for the Molly Morbids.

The bout started off great, with some amazing blocking from the Morbids. In only the first five minutes, the score was 15 to 36 for the Morbids. Time after time, Pain in the Nikki broke through the pack and gained lead jammer status for the Molly Morbids. The great thing about Pain in the Nikki is that she was able to get through the pack and get points for her team without succumbing to the temptation of selfish derby. After getting a few points, she called off the jams early and successfully prevented the Ladies of the Lake from getting any points.

The WFTDA (Women’s Flat Track Derby Association) has just released new rules for roller derby, which include a shorter penalty time. This means the jams go faster (and they are much more exciting to watch). At 18 minutes left in the first half, the Molly Morbids had the lead of 44 to 23. Unlike other sports, a 20-point spread in roller derby is not very much. With the help of some smart blockers, a skilled jammer can diminish that spread in a single jam.

The Molly Morbids had some seriously unbeatable team strategies, though most of the time, they had the pivot or another blocker skating backwards in the pack. Then, they “welded” themselves together, creating a nearly-unstoppable wall. In fact, on one of the jams, neither jammer broke through for a full lap. Finally, Hip Knock-it Therapy from the Morbids broke through and called the jam off quickly when she knew she couldn’t get more points.

Unfortunately for the Ladies of the Lake, their downfall came from their jammers getting too many penalties. This gave the Morbids more power jams than total number of team bruises after a bout. In fact, Xena Whorrior Princess and Pink Eye Candy from Ladies of the Lake were both sent to the penalty box twice in just one jam. This gave Mili Megahurtz from the Morbids a great power jam, spreading the score in their favor— 90 to 24—with 11 minutes left in the first half.

The domination of the Morbids continued in the second half, with the Morbids breaking 200 in just a dozen or so jams. “Ladies of the Lake have a lot of experience on their team,” commented the seasoned derby referee and player, Brian “Eff’n” Horman. “But I don’t think they have the frequent opportunities to scrimmage on a track like the Molly Morbids, which leads to a lot of silly mistakes.” The Morbids skated hard until the very end, the final score being a mere 74 points for the Ladies of the Lake to a whopping 317 for the Morbids.

For more information on Happy Valley Derby Darlins, including their 2014 schedule, visit