13 Cholos: The Devils Dozen Does Zion

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Benny, Mark Judd and Josh Martinez. Illustration: Tully Flynn

St George, UT—The undoubtedly unlucky number 13 and its 2000-year legacy lives on.  Stemming from the original posse of Jesus and his 12 disciples makes 13, and a crew of 13 witches makes a coven.  We rolled 13 deep to a land the locals call Zion. A mini Mormon Vegas, the righteous flock to this Deseret oasis. Heaven on earth it is. The land and the atmosphere brought us near tears. Hello In and Out, Five Guys weird folded-pizza sandwiches and Utah’s first Cafe Rio. GOODBYE titties, hobos handing out porn and gambling. Sin doesn’t exist in St. George—well maybe gluttony.  On a stony stroll to a burger joint, I couldn’t help but feel like a swine at his trough with all the piggy families fattening up right before my dilated shark eyes. I love sin, so I was happy to indulge with the locals in the one sin they find acceptable. Unlike Jesus’s posse, we traveled without a messiah—although Adam Dorobiala is the most Christ-like, and James Atkins the most like Judas. I don’t know where the Riddler fits in.  Maybe Bartholomew. Maybe in these mini profiles you can put the players in their proper Jesus posse positions, or maybe we can exploit a witch or two. I will ask each constituent to pick a number between one and twenty. Their number determines how many questions I ask them and the questions will be decided by a roll of the dice.

Mark Judd 11
13. Would you accept a foot massage from Mary Magdalene?
 Fuck yeah.
15. Which do you find more palatable: Christ blood or goat blood?
Christ blood.
10. Anything funny happen on the trip?
Not off the top of my head.
12. Would you accept a foot massage from Jesus?
No. That’s crossing the line of homosexuality.
11. Favorite truck stop treat?
Coffee, beer and cigars.
9. Memorable fast food experience?
Yeah, dude. I met my brother and his wife at Five Guys.
16. Did you learn anything about anyone?
James is the tightest skater ever.  Murdock has a motorcycle he fixed up.
14. Define Lent and Samhain.
Lent: Fasting.
Samhain: I don’t know.
3. Name the 12 apostles.
Yes…no…fuck.
19. Do you worship Jesus? If no: How do you feel about witchcraft?
No.  I question the reality of witchcraft.
7. Some people believe Jesus will return in an interstellar spacecraft.  Does that make him an alien?
Yes.
Bonus round:  pick one of two
13 or 12
Yahweh or Pan
Fish or black cat
Toadstool or Bread
Lamb or goat
Crusade or Jihad

Josh Martinez 13
3. Name the 12 apostles.
Dave Chappelle, Rick James and Chris Rock.
4. Name infamous witches, sorcerers, druids, Satanists, etc.
Blair Witch, Harry Potter and Lemmy.
8. Favorite truck stop?
Sam’s mom’s house.
11. Favorite truck stop treat?
Tall can of Pabst.
10. Anything funny happen on the trip?
I don’t know.
6. Did you notice any signs of the second coming in Zion?
No.
2. What were some tricks that went down on this trip?
Secrets.
1. Favorite Zion skate spot?
Bloomington school.
9. Memorable fast food experience?
Five Guys. Chris eating three things of fries and two burgers, nothing crazy.
17. Have you ever eaten a grasshopper?
I’ve eaten a handful of crickets.
12. Would you accept a foot massage from Jesus?
 If he finished me off.
7. Some people believe Jesus will return in an interstellar spacecraft.  Does that make him an alien?
An illegal immigrant.
5. Did you have any personal spiritual revelations?
No.
Bonus round:  pick one of two.
13 or 12
Yahweh or Pan
Fish or black cat black girls
Toadstool or bread
Goat or lamb
Crusade or Jihad

Mike Murdock 7
8. Favorite truck stop?
The one where we were doing wallrides on the jersey barrier.
6. Did you notice any signs of the second coming in Zion?
No.
11. Favorite truck stop treat?
When Shark Eye bought a candy bar on a nacho plate.
14. Define Lent and Samhain.
Lent: Hash Wednesday.
Samhain: Who’s Samhain?
5. Did you have any personal spiritual revelations?
I saw God for a minute there when I almost smashed the Navigator into that deer.
1. Favorite Zion skate spot?
The ditch was hecka sweet. Sam got stuck shimmying under the fence.
9. Memorable fast food experience?
Jalapeño loaf from Maverick.  I thought I was getting a sandwich at this one place and instead I get a pizza folded in half with weird shit on it.
Bonus round:  pick one of two.
13 or 12
Yahweh or Pan
Fish or black cat
Toadstool or bread
Lamb or goat
Crusade or Jihad Cruhad


James Atkin 13
3. Name the 12 apostles.
I don’t know.
5. Did you have any personal spiritual revelations?
I don’t know.
4. Name infamous witches, sorcerers, druids, Satanists, etc.
Witches of Salem.
7. Some people believe Jesus will return in an interstellar spacecraft.  Does that make him an alien?
Yes.
12. Would you accept a foot massage from Jesus?
Yes.
13. Would you accept a foot massage from Mary Magdalene?
 Yes.
10. Anything funny happen on the trip?
Yeah, lots of things.
8. Favorite truck stop?
Flying J.
9. Memorable fast food experience.
We threw food in this 50-year-old couple’s sunroof.
15. Which do you find more palatable: Christ blood or goat blood?
Goat.
16. Did you learn anything about anyone?
Josh is gonna be a millionaire.
17. Have you ever eaten a grasshopper?
No.  Maybe if it was marinated in goat blood.
18. Are you a zealot?
Yes.
Bonus round:  pick one of two.
13 or 12
Yahweh or Pan
Fish or black cat
Toadstool or bread
Lamb or goat
Crusade or Jihad


Adam Dorobiala 2

1. Favorite Zion skate spot?
The ditch.
12. Would you accept a foot massage from Jesus?
I guess I would accept a foot massage from anyone.
Bonus round:  pick one of two.
13 or 12
Yahweh or pan
Fish or black cat
Toadstool or bread
Lamb or goat
Crusade or Jihad

Ashley Bloxham 18
11. Favorite truck stop treat?
Beef jerky.
8. Favorite truck stop?
The one in….shit. The one in St. George with the giant night gowns.
9. Memorable fast food experience.
Five Guys made me fat.
16. Did you learn anything about anyone?
Shark eye and Mike Murdock fall asleep early.
13. Would you accept a foot massage from Mary Magdalene?
I would.
14. Define Lent and Samhain.
Lent:  Has to do with a religious holiday of sorts.  You can’t indulge in certain activities. Samhain:  I don’t know.
15. Which do you find more palatable: Christ blood or goat blood?
Christ blood.
2. What were some tricks that went down on this trip?
I back smithed the parking block in the ditch.  Mark Judd’s back 180 the double set, he doesn’t give up.
17. Have you ever eaten a grasshopper?
No.
19. Do you worship Jesus? If no: How do you feel about witchcraft?
Yes.
10. Anything funny happen on the trip?
Dorobiala trying to play poker with a paper coupon, Murdock’s drawings and James rubbing Shark Eye’s head for good luck.
1.Favorite Zion skate spot?
Ditch.
12. Would you accept a foot massage from Jesus?
Of course.
18.Are you a Zealot?
Sure.
7. Some people believe Jesus will return in an interstellar spacecraft.  Does that make him an alien?
Yes I think it does.
6. Did you notice any signs of the second coming in Zion?
It sure was warm for being January.
3. Name the 12 apostles.
No.
4. Name infamous witches, sorcerers, druids, Satanists, etc.
Gargamel,  Gandolf and Shaq in that movie.
Bonus round: Pick one of two
13 or 12
Yahweh or Pan
Fish or black cat
Toadstool or bread
Lamb or goat
Crusade or Jihad


Sam Milianta 17
11. Favorite truck stop treat?
Chicken fries from BK.
7. Some people believe Jesus will return in an interstellar spacecraft.  Does that make him an alien?
It depends on how he fills out his immigration papers.
3. Name the 12 apostles.
Peter, John, Judas,  Isaiah, Dopey,  Sneezy.
13. Would you accept a foot massage from Mary Magdalene?
Yeah I think so, once I get my skin condition under control.
9. Memorable fast food experience.
The sandwich that was a pizza folded in half.  Swainston eating at Five Guys.  He ate two burgers and two bags of fries. He may have had the munchies.
8. Favorite truck stop?
Bloomington truck stop had nightgowns with kittens on them. I had to be talked out of buying one.
2. What were some tricks that went down on this trip?
Murdock’s blunt big flip in the ditch, Shark Eye’s blunt in the ditch, sans ollie. Murdock was MVP.
15. Which do you find more palatable, Christ blood or goat blood.
Christ blood.
16. Did you learn anything about anyone?
Yes, Riddler’s car is nicer than my house and Mark Judd is psyched on life.
14. Define Lent and Samhain.
Lent:  When someone borrows you a DVD.
Samhain:  Another term for Satan. My least favorite of the Danzig bands.
10. Anything funny happen on the trip?
I don’t know.
18. Are you a zealot?
No.
12. Would you accept a foot massage from Jesus?
Only if he used holy water.
17. Have you ever eaten a grasshopper?
No.
19. Do you worship Jesus? If no: how do you feel about witchcraft?
Yes.
5. Did you have any personal spiritual revelations?
Raymond’s house was haunted.
4. Name infamous witches, sorcerers, druids, Satanists, etc.
Crowley, Anton Levey, Tully Flynn, Mike Plumb, Colt Bowden.
Bonus round:  pick one of two
13 or 12
Yahweh or Pan
Fish or black cat
Toadstool or bread
Lamb or goat cheese
Crusade or Jihad

Chris Swainston 19
5. Did you have any personal spiritual revelations?
No.
2. What were some tricks that went down on this trip?
James switch frontside flip the double on a broken board, my virgin ledge line.
11. Favorite truck stop treat?
Backside 5-0 slash.
12. Would you accept a foot massage from Jesus?
Yes.
13. Would you accept a foot massage from Mary Magdalene?
Yes.
8. Favorite truck stop?
Ghetto bank to jersey barrier.
19. Do you worship Jesus? If no: how do you feel about witchcraft?
No. It’s real.
1. Favorite Zion skate spot?
Ditch.
3. Name the 12 apostles.
Jesus.
4. Name infamous witches, sorcerers, druids, Satanists, etc.
Nothing’s coming to mind.
6. Did you notice any signs of the second coming in Zion?
No.
7. Some people believe Jesus will return in an interstellar spacecraft.  Does that make him an alien?
Yes.
14. Define Lent and Samhain.
Lent: Starvation.
Samhain: No idea.
15. Which do you find more palatable: Christ blood or goat blood?
Goat.
16. Did you learn anything about anyone?
How good Mike Murdock is at skateboarding.
17. Have you ever eaten a grasshopper?
No.
18. Are you a zealot?
Sounds debatable.
Bonus round:  pick one of two
13 or 12
Yahweh or Pan
Fish or black cat
Toadstool or bread
Lamb or goat
Crusade or Jihad

Randy Riddle 17
11. Favorite truck stop treat.
Frappuccino.
9. Memorable fast food experience.
Getting stuffed on Mexi-burritos.
10. Anything funny happen on the trip?
Drawing a blank.
17. Have you ever eaten a grasshopper?
No.
6. Did you notice any signs of the second coming in Zion?
No.
15. Which do you find more palatable: Christ blood or goat blood?
I don’t know.
12. Would you accept a foot massage from Jesus?
Yes.
18. Are you a zealot?
On occasion.
19. Do you worship Jesus? If no: how do you feel about witchcraft?
The sun is my god.
3. Name the 12 apostles.
The 12 zodiacs and gods only sun travels around with them, which is the sky.
5. Did you have any personal spiritual revelations?
I need to go on road trips more often with awesome friends.
1. Favorite Zion skate spot?
Ditch.
2. What were some tricks that went down on this trip?
James’ switch tre the Bloomington six in a line. Murdock’s 5-0 kickflip in the ditch.
14. Define Lent and Samhain.
Lent: Not familiar, but religious.
Samhain:  I don’t know.
7. Some people believe Jesus will return in an interstellar spacecraft.  Does that make him an alien?
Jesus returns every year on Dec. 24.
4. Name infamous witches, sorcerers, druids, Satanists, etc.
No.
19. Do you worship Jesus? If no: how do you feel about witchcraft?
Jesus is a personified reference to the sun.
Bonus round:  pick one of two
13 or 12
Yahweh or Pan
Fish or black cat
Toadstool or bread
Lamb or goat
Crusade or Jihad


Tyson Cantrell  11
7. Some people believe Jesus will return in an interstellar spacecraft.  Does that make him an alien?
Technically it does.
12. Would you accept a foot massage from Jesus?
Sure.
9. Memorable fast food experience.
Not for me.
1. Favorite Zion skate spot?
Ditch and Bloomington elementary.
3. Name the 12 apostles.
John, Mathew, Luke, James.
4. Name infamous witches, sorcerers, druids, Satanists, etc.
Merlin, Dumbledore.
8. Favorite truck stop?
Speedway in Vegas.
15. Which do you find more palatable: Christ blood or goat blood?
Goat.
16. Did you learn anything about anyone?
I learned who everyone was, and some of the Dirty Hessian crew.
2. What were some tricks that went down on this trip?
Murdock’s blunt bigspin flip in the ditch,  Shark Eye’s blunt. Judd’s back 180 the double, Jimmy’s switch frontside flip the double, Murdock’s pole jam fakie.  Swainston’s kickflip 50 at the park, he battled it.
17. Have you ever eaten a grasshopper?
I don’t think so. I bit one in half.
Bonus round:  pick one of two
13 or 12
Yahweh or Pan
Fish or black cat
Toadstool or bread
Lamb or goat
Crusade or Jihad

Shark Eye 5
11. Favorite truck stop treat?
Coffee, black.
12. Would you accept a foot massage from Jesus?
Fuck no.
6. Did you notice any signs of the second coming in Zion?
I was watching a glowing light descending from the heavens.  Turned out to be a helicopter.
5. Did you have any personal spiritual revelations?
Skateboarding is just body movement. Get some.
18. Are you a zealot?
Yes.
Bonus round:  pick one of two
13 or 12
Yahweh or Pan
Fish or black cat
Toadstool or bread
Lamb or goat
Crusade or Jihad Killing for an abstraction is retarded

Photos:
Benny, Mark Judd and Josh Martinez. Illustration: Tully Flynn Mike Murdock, James Atkin and Adam Dorobiala. Illustration: Tully Flynn Ashley Bloxham, Sam Milianta and Chris Swainston. Illustration: Tully Flynn Randy Riddle, Tyson Cantrell and Shark Eyes. Illustration: Tully Flynn Truck stop slash. Nephi UT, Shark Eye. Photo: Swainston Polejam rock St. George, UT, Mike Murdock. Photo: Swainston Backside 180. Bloomington UT, Mark Judd. Photo: Swainston Switch frontside flip. Bloomington UT, James Atkin. Photo: Swainston Frontside pivot-kickflip. Bloomington UT, Mike Murdock. Photo Swainston