Look Mom I did it
Mike Brown Fest sucked if: A) You are LDS in faith B) You ride a trend speed and look exactly like your best friend C) You are not comfortable in your own skin or D) You hate alcohol.
I, on the other hand, am 34 years old and a derelict alcoholic who loves hanging out with retarded people–and no, I don’t mean the mentally handicapped. Although, I don’t mind giving them big hugs if they haven’t soiled their drawers and aren’t drooling all over themselves.
Mike Brown Fest II consisted of my two favorite local bands rocking the shit out of Urban Lounge. First in the line up was The Screaming Condors who are by far the best metal rockers in town in my opinion. They captivated the crowd with their always tight set of hard licks and the trusty smoke machine of death. If you haven’t had chance to check these guys out yet, you’re fucking blowing it.
Next up was The Fucktards, whom I had never seen perform and to my dismay were pretty much the equivalent of a pack of wild monkeys who like to throw shit on each other and love it. Mike Brown is the front man for the Fucktards and leaves all his cards on the table when performing. Mike was dressed in some women’s stretch running shorts that pretty much revealed his entire manhood and left everyone to ponder if he had actually had the sex change he’s always talking about getting. He also had on some pink, super douche rollerblade kneepads and his kit was topped off with some fake ass dreadlock wig that made me vomit in my own mouth. The rest of the group was dressed in some wild get-ups as well, but we won’t mention them since it was Mike Brown Fest and not Mike Brown’s Friends Fest. The lyrics of their songs mostly consist of their gay pride and unholy things of nature. Like I said, I had never seen them perform but I did fall in love instantly with their special formula of punk meets drag queens. They made me violently seizure and left me with a gigantic smile on my face and a huge boner in my pants.
During the musical acts, there was some serious useless wooden toy (skateboard) shredding going on. There was a standard flat bar set up and a very mini-ramp on the dance floor. I was super stoked to see innocent bystander people getting shark bites and shinners inside the bar. Now these people might understand just a meager percentage of pain that skaters put themselves through on a daily basis. Local shredders like Levi, Coffee Cup Head, Kendall, Kordel, Tully, Isaiah, Snuggles, Brophy and a bunch of other lurkers whom I don’t know the names of were killing it all night long. There was even a surprise guest appearance by pretty much the entire Zero Skateboards Team including head honcho Jamie Thomas and no they weren’t skating.
The night was topped off by the debut showing of Eric Jensen’s new skate flick entitled Weast Infection. I didn’t get to check out too much of the video due to the fact that it was a packed house and there was not much viewing room even for a little midget like myself. I also have priorities and since it was last call I decided to head to the corner mart for some late night quarts of beer which I drank right on the curb in front of the bar. It’s not so much a wonder why I go to jail at least once every God damned year. Feel free to go fuck yourselves if you missed this stellar event and don’t get caught sleeping on the next one. By the way, Andy Pitts’ part in Weast Infection is fucking insane, so go buy a copy and bare witness.