Skatetiquette – June 2009

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 Drinking beer at the skate park is probably one of the worst ideas on the planet. It is also a total necessity, because beer and skating go together like milk and cookies. One thing I want say right off the bat is I don’t condone anybody under the age of 21 to be drinking anywhere. If that’s what you want to do though, so be it. Just remember beer is the gateway drug—the gateway to relief and good times, I might add. Here are a few tips for drinking brew at the parks around the state.




 

1. Ninth and Ninth park is the best park to drink at because it’s in a neighborhood where people don’t give a fuck and they know how to mind their own business.

 

2. Park City is great to drink at as well, because it’s legal as long as you’re of age and outside of the gates of the designated skate area. Who wants spilt beer in the deep end anyways?

 

3. If you’re going to crack a brew at either Heber or Oakley parks, please protect your neck. Those redneck Mormon motherfuckers will throw you in the clink and toss the keys. Inbred Mormons are the worst Mormons, period.

 

4. Drinking at Fairmont is a toss up on the safety side. Be on the look out for pigs on bikes. Best bet is to put your beverage in a plastic cup or one of those cool Anti-Hero fake stick-on labels.

 

5. Drinking at Guthrie or Sandy parks is pointless because they both suck for skating anyway.

 

6. St. George park is great for getting your buzz and skate on. People down south are just plain dumb and will never catch on to your gig. If you get too wasted however, you’ll probably fall victim to the slippery-ass surface of the park.

 

7. Never drink hard liquor while you’re shredding. You don’t sweat it out as fast as beer and you might poop your pants when you fall down like my friend Sean Hadley. Nobody will give you a ride home if you shit your drawers.

 

8. South Jordan is great to drink at if there is a contest or some shit going on. Otherwise, forget about it.

 

9. Beer koozies are mandatory for the summer months. They keep your brews cold and hidden.

 

10. Never bring beer in bottles to the park. They make a mess and can’t be recycled.

 

11. Remember you must skate for 15 minutes for every beer you consume. This is the way to a long life and a good session.

 

12. If you’re going to wear a helmet at the park, make sure it’s a beer helmet son!