The Zack Hammers Interview: The Most Underground Skater Ever!

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Some local publications have been popping up as of late documenting the antics of Utah's finest local extreeeeme athleticism. I have no qualms with such publications and quite frankly, it's nice to see people I know getting mad props for their personal achievements in their sacred mediums. Even if it's packaged together in a somewhat ESPN-friendly, snow/skate/wake/kite board sort of way. Because we all know there's nothing more core than getting dragged behind a $60,000 boat.But this is SLUG. And I'm desperately trying to stay true to this rag's underground roots. Thus began my quest to find the ultimate underground athlete. I got a hold of Broadie Hammers, who is responsible for keeping SLUG readers updated on what's happenin' in the local skate bubble. Broadie helped me get a hold of his cousin, Zack Hammers. Who, as I have discovered, is without question the most extreme underground ripper of our time. Don't believe me? Fuck you. Check the photo, bitches. This kid is more exciting than a Red Bull enema and has more snap than a coke-laced Slim Jim.

Getting a hold of Zack was not easy due to his insistence that he stay off the mainstream radar. He would only shoot photos with his face covered. GNAR! I just had to interview him. So here it goes.

SLUG: So Zack, Why all the mystery? Like I never see you at contests or in local mags and shit like that.
Zack Hammers: Cuz son, gone are the days of pressure flip blunt stalls on six-inch curbs. This is the age of Hammers ... ZACK HAMMERS!

SLUG: Dude, you don't have to yell. And you totally didn't answer my fucking question. What the fuck do you mean by "the age of Hammers?"
ZH: Yo, son, you need a check up from the neck up! This shit is real and raw like sushi! Simply put, I drop more hammers than John Hennery, even more than those Chinese dudes that hammered our country's railroads together. No one's touchin' my shit, son. But I ain't doin' this shit for no camera, I drop my sledge for Zack Hammers and Zack hammers only, bitches!

SLUG: What?
ZH: I'm the golden spike of skateboarding!

SLUG: Humble, too.
ZH: Fuck you, Captain Sarcastic!

SLUG: OK, OK, sorry. Let's just move on. So you say that you "ain't doin' this shit for no camera"—who are you skating for and why?
ZH: You mean like my sponsors and shit like that? People try to sponsor my shit all the time, but I won't let them. I tell people on the overground that I'm underground and that their shit will just get in the way of my game, son. I ain't lettin' no motherfucker use my likelihood in some wack-ass photo so they can perpetuate the corporate cog. Zack Hammers ain't about that shit, not for one cent!

SLUG: Then what are you about?
ZH: Bitches and Hammers, son. Bitches and Hammers.

SLUG: Well put.
ZH: Hey, fuckface, you're lucky this interview's over the phone or I'd drop a hammer on your ass!

SLUG: Sorry, dude.
ZH: I'm just sayin', watch your step when you're in my sector, a'ite?

SLUG: OK, so what's the biggest hammer you've dropped on your skateboard this summer?
ZH: My switch 50-50 down the Delta Center triple kink was pretty off the hook—first try, muthafuckazz! I also hammered the perfect eight with a nollie 540 cab 360 flip with no mutiny touches and all bolts. And don't get me started on the four-four on South Temple. I can do anything I want on that puny piece-of-shit gap with an Einstein's bagel in both hands, sucka!

SLUG: What else do you got?
ZH: I bombed 3rd South this morning on two skateboards at the same time, motha fucka! One on each foot! Like I was waterskiing and shit. But it wasn't enough, so I did it backwards too, just to feed the Hammers demons inside my guts, yo!

SLUG: So who do you skate with?
ZH: Just my cousin Broadie, kid.

SLUG: And just where are you from?
ZH: I ain't about to divulge that information. But I did done spent a big chunk of my childhood on the Neverland Ranch.

SLUG: Like with Michael Jackson and shit? What time would you go to bed at down there? When the big hand touched the little hand?
ZH: Fuck you, cock rider! This interview's over! [CLICK]

This concludes the interview. Hopefully, Zack will make himself less scarce in the future. Skateboarding needs people like him to progress the sport into the next century.