What to Do When You’re Not Skating

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Let’s face the facts kids––skateboarding isn’t the whole world. It isn’t even 5% of  it. Face reality now or life is going to throw you a big curve ball real soon. If you still live with your parents and are still in school, don’t sweat it, milk that cash cow until you get the boot or until it runs dry. If you still live with your parents and you’re over the age of 23, kill yourself because you aren’t worth much, except a tax break or some shit. Well enough of my ranting and raving… uh… well, maybe not. If you think skating is your whole life, get over it. Alcohol is an alcoholic’s whole life. Drugs, gambling and sex are an addict’s whole life. Do you really want to pigeonhole yourself with these fucktards? I know skating is something positive, but anything in excess without any other outlet is absurd. Remember, if you hurt yourself skating you have to have something to occupy your time. Here are twenty things you can do if you’re broken off or if you just have a brain that can do more than one thing in a lifetime. I know I’m harsh. I get off on that shit.

Photo by Adam Dorobiala

20. Get your broke, skater ass a job. It totally sucks and will occupy most of your time. You’ll be so tired when you get off you won’t even want skate anyways. Remember a job ain’t nothing but work.
19. Sell weed, acid, coke or some shit. Sit home all day and play video games. Many a good skater has been lost to this monkey business.
18. Become an art fag, I mean an artist type individual. This shit is so hot right now and is just like skating–– only 10% of you guys are actually any good at it.
17. Become a skateboard writer, this shit really pays the bills.
16. Get your hair did (not dyed). There is nothing like pleasure from someone else.
15. Become an anarchist. The world’s coming to an end anyways, so help it along. Remember everything will go back to normal once the stupid humans are gone.
14. Get into fixed gear bikes, just kidding, kill yourself, it’s more original and nobody else will want to look like you, especially if you take one to the face. Remember, this isn’t San Fran or New York you poser retards.
13. Join a book club. What the fuck is a book? You illiterate piece of shit, pick one up.
12. Go out and VOTE. Same pieces of shit placed in different piles. That’s my outlook on the whole shebang. No really, go out and voice your opinion on some electronic piece of shit or punch some hole in a piece of paper. Good luck, your parents are conservative scum with cash. C.R.E.A.M.
11. Be a hip-hop M.C. Kind of outdated, but shit, now you only have half the competition at those stellar battles.
10. Join a gang. Kill yourself for nothing––it’s just like jumping down rails and stairs.
9. Build a D.I.Y. skate spot. I know you like to skate other people’s shit that they build. Get off your ass and give back to that which gives you life.
8. Get stoned and eat your way to happiness. This shit really works and once you’re fat, either fuck skating or skate to get rid of your blubber.
7. Start rollerblading. This shit is not a joke… Oh wait, yeah, it is. WAX ON, WAX OFF, I mean FUCK OFF.
6. Get a girlfriend. Same thing as getting your hair did except you can move into her house for free or you can spend every last dime on some shit that’s sure to last (notice the sarcasm).
5. Go camping. Remember not to go camping with ten skater fucks. You might as well get wasted in the backyard and pass out. Get in touch with nature and the bottle. Don’t buy into Element’s bullshit. Those corporate retards are from California, plus, it’s not cool to bring a flat bar to the forest.
4. Join a bowling league. This shit is what you have to look forward to in the future. Plus, you’re guaranteed to get wasted at least once a week, or get away from your nagging girlfriend for a night.
3. Start snowboarding. I’m not even going there, way too many of my friends shred well. This shit’s for real.
2. Start fishing. No joke here, if your “Pops” does it you know it’s good to go. Catching a fish feels better than catching a three flip son!
1. Kill yourself. Just kidding, really (so no parents sue me). You just did a crappy job raising your kid, you shouldn’t have taken your kid’s board away as a punishment.