Mike Brown interviews Zane Miller

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Photo: Ed Herbold

I had recently sworn off doing any more interviews for SLUG or anyone else for that matter. Not that I really write for anyone else, but if GQ had somehow resurrected my favorite author William S. Burroughs and was going to pay me in high-priced hookers to ask him a bunch of fucked-up questions and finally find out if he really killed his wife so he could become a homosexual junkie and such, I’d probably still say no.

However, offering me lower-bowl Jazz tickets in exchange for an interview? I’ll gladly abuse my clout at SLUG for such a gesture. Throw in the fact that the interview took place in the Jazz practice facility and buddy, you got yourself a deal. So to anyone reading this, let it be known that if you can get me lower-bowl Jazz tickets and let me ball it up in an NBA practice facility, then yes, you too can have a SLUG interview. About anything.

Since Zane Miller snowboards and he’s good at it, I decided to interview him about that and other random shit. Like, I heard a rumor that his uncle bought Brewvies, so I asked him if it was true or not and apparently his uncle did not buy Brewvies. I wish my uncle bought Brewvies. I love that place.

Anyhew, the first question I asked Zane was if he had ever snowboarded with diarrhea. It turns out he hasn’t. Then I asked him if he could spell diarrhea. It turns out he can’t, but neither can I. The thing about snowboarding with diarrhea is that it’s extra hard to hold it in because your legs are mounted so far apart; quite a scary experience.

Since Zane is a little younger at 19 (old enough to get killed for this country but too young to legally drink), I wanted to test his knowledge of snowboarding history; knowing your roots and all that shit. So I asked him which person was never a pro snowboarder: Shawn Farmer, Rocket Reeves, Damien Sanders or Brodie Hammers. Zane choked on this chunk of trivia I spewed at him, guessing that Rocket Reeves was never a pro snowboarder. The answer is in fact Brodie Hammers, the guy I made up a couple years ago when I was in charge of covering the SLC skate scene for SLUG.

Then I asked Zane if he knew how much it costs a snowboarder to change a light bulb. He didn’t know so I told him. It costs $1,002. Two dollars to buy the light bulb and $1,000 to buy the gear so he looks dope doing it. I love to snowboard, but man, sometimes that shit is just funny. The last time I wrote an article for SLUG about snowboarding, I called it “Snowboarding: the New Football.” I just talked about how much snowboarding was like football. A big-time pro, whom shall remain nameless, confronted the SLUG editor up at Brighton one day, probably because he hasn’t heard of this thing that most people have called a sense of humor. But enough about me, this is Zane’s interview.

I then asked Zane if he knew any snowboarders who ride fixed gear bikes. We both knew of one, and it was the same dude.

Then I decided to ask Zane some basketball questions. The first one being: who would win in a street fight between Ron Artest and Carlos Boozer? For those who don’t know who Ron Artest is, he’s that dude who ran into the crowd in Detroit when a fan threw a beer on him. He tried to fight the first six rows, and not very successfully, I might add. Zane told me that he thought Boozer would tear up Artest. I’m inclined to agree, as long as Artest doesn’t sucker-punch Boozer in the hamstring.

Next, I asked who has the worst tattoos in the NBA. There are a lot of bad tattoos on basketball players right now. We both agreed that Jason Williams of the Miami Heat has the worst tattoos in the NBA, along with the worst record. And as much as I love his game, our boy Deron Williams could desperately use some cover-ups. He recently got drilled by a guy who has tattooed me before; when I found this out I begged the artist to talk to D-Will about fixing that lame-ass panther on his arm.

So who’s got the best tattoos in the NBA? Zane said that Carlos Boozer’s arms look pretty good and I’m inclined to agree. Zane said that the guy who did them also did 50 Cent’s back. Pretty cool! Another funny thing about the tattoos on the Jazz guys are those big-ass banners downtown on the Delta Center (or whatever the fuck they call it these days) because they’ve airbrushed out the tats. I think that’s silly, but whatever.

Then Zane and I talked about the Ball Boys and what it takes to be one in this league. Zane explained to me that some of these guys have been draping towels over Ballers for so long that they should be called Ball Men. But that sounds kind of funny.

I then asked Zane if he wanted to be in my musical project, The Power Forwards. The Power Forwards is a Jazz band I’ve been trying to start for three years now, a Utah Jazz band where all the songs are about a basketball game. I’ll have 10 people and four instruments and there will be substitutions, like a real basketball game, with technical fouls and everything! Zane said he’s down! I even asked him if he could help me get booked at half time; I’d make sure there was no swearing and all.

Then I asked Zane if he’s ever gotten drunk with Hot Rod, the voice of the Utah Jazz. He explained to me that he hasn’t because he is underage and doesn’t drink. I kind of knew the answer to that before I asked but since I love Hot Rod and I’m convinced that he’s constantly drunk just based off of how he calls the games, I felt like I should ask anyway.