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I don’t really watch movies, but one that stuck with me was the remake of The Hills Have Eyes. Now, whenever I go on a road trip, I’m scared shitless that a bunch of gobbeldy-goos are gonna trick me into driving to some remote place and torture me and my traveling party, and kill us all.  … read more

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Something I’ve been curious about but never gotten a straight answer to is concealed weapons pertaining to knives. I carry a folding knife with a thumb-assist on me because, to be honest, I don’t fucking trust the homeless in this city. I’m not the type to pull it out and wave it around, or act like I’m a badass ready to shank an asshole going for my wallet, but the fact is you never know if you might get jumped. … read more

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As a fixed gear street creep, I usually laugh when I see SLCPD piglets getting around on their Treks and Giants. How are they even able to ride if they aren’t in a pair of ball hugging Levi cutoffs? I don’t get it but whatever officer, wear your chino shorts and shit. While I was having a giggle at a pack of piggies putting around on their over-priced mountain bikes made city cruisers, I wondered to myself “how does a cop go about becoming part of a bike unit?”  … read more

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All our state neighbors are getting high on that good weed and those drive thru liquor store laundromats, but all we do is buy highway patrol new prowlers instead of paying for a million mormon babies’ quality educations. I’m curious as to how much gas $$ we’re forking out to the boys in blue as they wait at the border for some long haired high ass driving his shitty Subaru to cross state lines, all for a bottle of flowers? … read more

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One day I was discussing the topic of breathalyzers and DUI’s with a bar owner while I was cutting his hair. He became very passionate about this topic and began discussing how most devices that measure BAC (blood alcohol content) are very inaccurate. It appears that many devices may be affected by the environment, bugs in their system, calibration and human error. … read more

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Dear Cop,
What can be done to address the absolute collapse of traffic light observation by Utah drivers? I witness at EVERY intersection EVERYDAY, cars running red lights. Every fucking intersection in this grid planned city. Where do I go to get this fixed? … read more

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I have a friend who’s an undocumented citizen. The thing is, he’s a better American than anyone I know—got good grades in school, went to college (and paid his own way ‘cause contrary to the popular belief, undocumented citizens DON’T get any government benefits, including federal financial aid, whether they pay taxes or not), doesn’t break any laws, and is a contributing member of the community. Can you explain to me how someone like him would end up deported back to Mejico? … read more