Beautiful Godzilla: Baby Got Back

Illustration: Ryan Perkins

This month’s blog is brought to you by Sir Mix-A-Lot and his appreciation of fine, fat bottomed girls. Unfortunately, being an FBG isn’t all limo back seats and baked goods. Aside from finding a pair of jeans to go over my voluptuous assets (thank the fashion gods for jeggings, right?), finding the right saddle on which to rest those back pockets has become a real … well … pain in the ass.

Now, a lot of cyclists will tell you that the berth of your behind doesn’t matter as long as your “sit bones” are resting on the back of the saddle, supporting most of your weight so that your soft, sensitive baby making organs are free of friction. As a fat bottomed girl who has had her sit bones measured for a women’s specific saddle, I’m here to tell you that’s a load of bullshit, as my ass cheeks completely envelop my seat like a fat girl in a g-string, and it’s about as comfortable as it sounds. Not that friction is a bad thing, but rubbing up against a hard saddle for 10 miles in the middle of summer isn’t my ideal way of getting off, and it shouldn’t be yours, even if it’s the only self-pleasure you can indulge in without having to tell your bishop.

Aside from getting a wider seat, a few other options have been suggested to me, two of which sound both appealing and appalling: padded bicycle shorts and chamois cream. I have yet to see a plump roadie, so I’m going to assume that unless you were in the dressing room with me the day I tried on padded bike shorts, or were a part of the unfortunate audience at the Bike Bonanza fashion show for which I was a model a couple of years ago, you’ve never seen what they look like on an FBG. I can see how they’d aesthetically benefit an ass-less woman, but what it added to my backside was quite unflattering. Basically, it looked like I’d shit myself and was just walking around with the dump in my underpants. That description will probably keep my boyfriend from touching me for a while, but hey, I’ve still got a hard saddle to rub up against! Of course, like most practical articles of women’s clothing, padded bike shorts may look horrendous, but damn are they comfy to ride in. If there are any other women out there who want to sport these, sweat pants, boob tubes and terry cloth robes around town with me, I could definitely use the support in making comfort fashion friendly.

As for the chamois cream, well … lube does make for a slippery good time. I can see how schmearing the stuff all over your parts prevents saddle herpes and chafing on long rides, but there doesn’t seem to be much of a point for an urban cyclist such as I, who spends most of their saddle time riding around downtown and only has to bike about a mile to get to the SLUG HQ (and SLUG already makes me sooo wet.)

It seems that my best option is to head down to one of my favorite bike shops and take a few saddles out for a test ride. Chances are I’ll have to sacrifice aesthetic for comfort, but this time I won’t settle: It takes a special kind of saddle to appreciate and satisfy an FBG.

Illustration: Ryan Perkins