Mike Brown’s Season Predictions for the 2016-17 Utah Jazz Season

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Every once in a while, whether it’s been via my monthly column or through SLUG’s podcast, Soundwaves, I get to voice my opinions on one of my favorite things, the Utah Jazz. A few years ago, I made some bold season-preview predictions, some of which came to fruition. I did predict a sex scandal—if you count Trey Burke flashing his penis on Twitter, then I was right. So I’ve decided to take on the role of your local underground analyst and give you some more season predictions for this year.

First off, this is a very exciting time for the Utah Jazz. Some bold off-season acquisitions were made, and the commitment to the franchise from the Miller family should be noted. They didn’t make the playoffs last year, but the young guns did get better, and we got to witness it. I know that might sound a bit trite, but after having to deal with Sloan’s out-of-nowhere retirement (which felt like 9/11) and having to deal with Tyrone Corbin being the worst coach we’ve ever had (which felt like sitting through the entire Bush administration), it finally feels like the team is on the right track.

Prediction #1: Quin Snyder will switch coke dealers, win Coach of the Year and reprise his role in American Psycho. A sweaty brow, beady, glazed eyes and an intensity and charisma rarely seen—no, I’m not talking about Christian Bale. I’m talking about the fairly new Jazz General. Coach Q could just lead the franchise even further than Sloan did, as long as dead hookers don’t start popping up around the city.

Prediction #2: Derrick Favors and Alec Burks will spend significant time off the court with injuries. Keeping up a shitty tradition that Carlos Boozer and Andrei Kerilenko set for us a little over a decade ago by being two of the biggest wusses to ever play the game, D-Fav and Burks will see a lot of time on the IR. Although I don’t consider them as big of wimps as the above-mentioned players, if Burks keeps getting hurt the way he does every season, he’s just going to spontaneously combust this year, scaring off many weak-stomached season-ticket holders.

Prediction #3: Seasoned veterans Joe Johnson, George Hill and Boris Diaw are not required to play basketball this year. These are the three biggest off-season moves the Jazz have made since we went after Boozer and Memo. But the fact is, Joe Johnson and Boris Diaw are at the end of their careers, and all three of these guys have just log-jammed our depth chart. The real reason we acquired these geriatric players was to mentor our young talent and show our future all-stars how to handle themselves off the court—with important skills like how to roll a blunt, how to pass an NBA drug test (not the ball) and proper strip-club etiquette, among other intangibles that will keep you in the league for years.

Prediction #4: With two bonafide Frenchmen on the team, Boris Diaw and Rudy Gobert, the Jazz cheerleaders will soon learn what the real Eiffel Tower is. I don’t think I need to explain this one. If you don’t get it, just type “Eiffel Tower” in Pornhub’s search engine, and you’ll know what I mean.

Prediction #5: Gordon Hayward, Rodney Hood and Dante Exum will all have breakout seasons. Not because they work hard and are seemingly prospective all-stars and the future of our franchise, but because the end of their contracts are coming up, so this is their “audition season,” if you will, to sign with a bigger franchise in a “cooler” city. Let’s be real, folks: We still live in Utah.

Prediction #6: Rodney Hood will buy a house in Rose Park. I know this one is far-fetched, but I live in Rose Park, and I really want Rodney to be my neighbor.

Prediction #7: The Millers will be forced to move the arena after this season. Instead of upgrading the Vivint Homeschool Arena (or whatever the fuck they call it these days), the Miller family will be strong-armed by our local dominant faith/government to move the arena. I predict that our local GOP/priesthood holders will illegally buy another block of Main Street again, right next to the mall they built, put the arena there and charge all season ticket holders a 10-percent “service fee.” Goodbye, $12 beers, and hello, prayers before every game.

Prediction #8: Along with the rest of the NBA, the Jazz players will participate in National Anthem protests. In sync with the hot topic that some NFL players have created, most NBA players will follow suit and protest the National Anthem as a means to bring awareness for social change. However, they will not be kneeling like NFL players. Instead, they will protest by not looking at the flag, not putting their hands on their hearts and talking to each other during the anthem. Oh, wait, most NBA players do that anyway.

There you have it. All in all, this should be a great season. If you need catching up on all other things NBA, here’s basically all you need to know: LeBron is still really fucking good at basketball, The Lakers are going to be really shitty this year, which is always fun to watch (also, a rapist retired, so the league is a much safer place), and fuck Golden State.