Ask a Cop


Illustration: Sean Hennefer

Dear Cop,
So I got this email forwarded to me that stated it was a warning from the police. Apparently, there’s a new carjacking scheme where people put a sticker or paper on the rear window of your parked car. I guess what they expect people to do is get into their cars, start the engine, then look in their rear view mirrors and see the paper. Once they get out of their car to take it off, the crook jumps in the driver’s seat and drives away. It seems a little farfetched, and I could totally see a Carpool moment happening when the carjacker looks in the back of the van and realizes he’s just kidnapped a bunch of snotty kids, too, but I had one of those snotty kids come knocking at my door the other day asking if I wanted to donate money to the homeless shelter, after which I watched him knock on a few more doors before making his way to the dollar store and come back out with a bag of candy. If a 10-year-old is that swarthy, I wouldn’t put it past someone to try and pull off a carjacking like this. Is this really something that’s happening, though? Or should I send all of these paranoid emails to my junk mail? Last time I got one, I spent a year worrying that every time I got gas at night, somebody might be hiding under my car ready to chop my legs off …  —Spam-a-lot

Dear Spam-a-lot,
Let me tell you what cops do, since we know everything.  When we don’t know, we read Wikipedia.  That’s why we’re so smart.

When cops hear about a carjacking scenario, especially when cops hear they’re promoting the scenario, well, cops read Snopes.  I typed carjack into Snopes, and guess what? Up came your scenario.  I’m not going to quote it, as you can read it yourself.  Suffice it to say, it’s false.

Ms. Spam, that doesn’t mean weirdo evil shit hasn’t happened.  I’m sure it has, somewhere.  In fact, if you can think it up, it has happened.  Just like every possible stupid cop call you can think of, “911, what is your emergency?”  “Do you know the temperature to cook a turkey?” or “911, what is your emergency?”  “Can you send someone fast, please? My kid won’t sit still for a haircut … HEY ASSHOLE, I PAY YOUR FUCKING SALARY, GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE, QUIT LAUGHING AT ME PIG. Johnnie please sit still or else!  The cops are on their way (God I wish my kid wasn’t so swarthy).”

I don’t want to scare you, but yes, just like the stupidest scenario you can imagine has happened, so too has the most sicko.

You sound cute, so don’t let your guard down.  I don’t want your cute Spam legs cut off.  However, if each cop warning email worries you for a year, you should probably filter to the junk file—even though if you do, you could end up legless.  I bet you are cute.  And, I hate cute, legless Spams, so you better read all the warning emails.  Nevermind what I said about the filter.

I think I heard this year that some dude on Halloween opened his door to trick-or-treaters and got shot.  Another lady did the same and got slashed.  You better never, ever entertain a trick-or-treater again. 

See how helpful I am!  You learned why cops know everything, how we know not to believe anything, and how to keep your cute Spam-a-lot legs intact. —Cop

Illustration: Sean Hennefer